◎刘继华 宁波大学科技学院

尊敬的刘老师：

您好！

我是象山某中学的学生，我写的这篇英语作文，不知是否可以请您批改指导？谢谢！

王可伊

【写作任务】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

The Water of Life⑴

It was one of the hottest days of thedryseason.We had not seen rain in almost a month.The crops were dying.Cows had stopped giving milk.The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth.It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through.Every day,my husband and his brothers would go about the tiring process of trying to get water to thefarm.If we didn’t see some rain soon,we would lose everything.

It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the onlymiracleI have seen with my own eyes.I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year old son,Billy,walking toward the woods.He wasn’t walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose.I could only see his back.He was obviously walking with a great effort trying to be as still as possible.Minutes after he disappeared into thewoods,he came running out again toward the house.I went back to make sandwiches,thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed.

Moments later,however,he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods.This activity went on for over an hour:walkingcarefullyto the woods,and then running back to the house.Finally,my curiosity got the best of me.I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey.

He wascuppingboth hands in front of him as he walked,very careful not to spill the water he held.Maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands.I sneaked closer as he went into the woods.Branches and thorns slapped his little face but he did not try to avoid them.He had a much greater purpose.As I leaned in to spy on him,I saw an amazing sight.A mother deer with a huge pair of deer horns appeared in front of him,with a babyfawn（幼鹿）lying on the dry ground.I almost screamed to get him away.

注意：⑴所续写短文的词数应为150左右；⑵至少使用5个短文中标有下画线的关键词语；⑶续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好；⑷续写完成后，请用下画线标出你所使用的关键词语。

【原文】

Paragraph 1:

Howevesr,Billy walked right up to them.I felt a clutch at my heart for it’d been too late to summon him back if the fierce creature with enormous horns⑵gave him sudden attack⑶.To my amazement,however⑷,nothing miserable⑸happened.With the water in hiscupped⑹hands, Billy knelt down slowly and inched his palms towards the corner of the babyfawn’s mouth,and with caution let the water drip into it⑺.While all of it happened⑻,the mother deer stood beside⑼,with tears glittering in her clear and gentle eyes.

【赵教授批注】

⑴原文细致生动，非常漂亮，只是有一个bug：头上长那么一对大角的，应该是公鹿（除非是驯鹿reindeer），不是 a mother deer。不过，这个常识性错误，是原文作者或者命题的问题，你按原文写来，可以不究。但我们也应从他人的错误中吸取教训。

⑵应有定冠词the，因前面已提到过。如不加，则等同于一种描绘，不能说错，但以加为好。

⑶应有不定冠词a。

⑷这个however如果移至句子开头，文气会更顺畅，因为to my amazement是新信息，与上句之间的衔接不紧密，而however这种连接性副词本身的职责就是衔接。

⑸事情发生过后才能判断是否miserable，这里尚未发生，用该词不妥，可改为terrible。

⑹从实际情况看，由于鹿嘴的构造，很难让水滴进鹿嘴。更为可行的是把水捧到鹿嘴边，鹿会伸出舌头来舔水喝。

⑺语法上没有错，但这样的语言挺绕的，不够干净。其实，all the while三个词就好了。

⑻现代英语中，beside一般都是介词，后面要加宾语的。可以用beside them或者by the side。

【原文】

Paragraph 2:

I witnessed the most beautiful heart working hard to save a life.I rooted myself behind a tree to avoid being spotted byBilly,and（10）without being disturbed, he carried on（11）his rescuing plan in thewoods.After what seemed like a century（12）,he paused,sitting（13）upon the ground near the fawn and stroking its fur（1144）.I was too touched by the scene to become aware（15）that it was darkening and clouds（16）were gathering above the woods. After months’（17）drought, it finally rained.Thrilled shouting and crying coming in the distance（18）,I felt therain,mixed with my tears,streaming down my cheeks.

【赵教授批注】

（9）这个句子用and连接了两个分句，意义上当然没有问题，但从意义中心来看，两个分句所述不同，最好能分开两句写，也就是改为：I rooted...by Billy.Without being disturbed...in the woods.

（10）carry on 的意思是 continue an activity or task，意义上此处没有问题，但需加介词with带宾语。如你想表达“他做了或做完了这个计划”，则可用carryout（不带with）。

（11）在这篇文章里，what seemed like a century其实并不妥帖。如果是不好的事情，比如危急的事情等，这个说法才合适。这个地方用after what seemed a very long time更妥帖。

（12）-ing是同时进行的动作，那么，此处sitting upon the ground是持续性动作（与sitting down不同），与瞬间动作paused同时进行，逻辑上有疙瘩。其实，这个句子还不如把三个动作全部用一般过去时表示：He paused,sat down on the ground by the fawn and started to stroke its fur.另外，这里的paused可以删去，因为Billy应该是把水喂完了，后面不可能再开始喂。

（13）its fur改成his fur更好。

（14）too touched...to become aware非常生硬，改成so touched...that I wasn’t aware...就好了。

（15）aware 后其实带的是两个从句，所以clouds前如能加引导词that，则语言更为规范清楚。

（16）原文讲“We had not seen rain in almost a month”，此处months’drought不能说不可能，但逻辑上可能不够严密。

（17）你如果想用一个独立主格结构，最好加一个with，以明确指示这是一个独立主格结构，不让读者费神（因为它与后面的主句关系不是非常密切）。我个人意见（当然别的老师会有不同想法）：其实，这个独立主格结构与后面主句关系不密切（这些shouting啥的跟I felt rain有什么关系？没有关系），所以这样用独立主格结构并不好。最后一句也许这样改会好些：I heard thrilled shouting and crying in the distance.Rain,mixed with my tears,streamed down my cheeks.

刘教授点评：

这篇续写很好，情节曲折合理，尤其是结尾下雨的设计，令人精神一振，可圈可点。故事人物刻画细致，情感传达充分、自然、感人，语言也较为地道，总体通顺流畅。有几点需要注意：

1.细处要准确。如：冠词的使用。英语是形合语言，其意义受其形式限制。enormous horns是原文中已经提到过的，续写中使用应加定冠词；sudden attack则是第一次，应使用不定冠词。又如：所选用词语的意义应该贴切，如miserable和after what seemed like a century等词语的意义。

2.逻辑要合理。逻辑主要是从情节与人物刻画（性格、动作等）等方面讲的，但是，所有的任务都是用语言完成的，因此，逻辑是否合理实际主要在语言层面上体现。如he paused,sitting...and stroking...以及too touched to become aware...实际就是逻辑问题。上面所讲考虑词语意义贴切实际上也属逻辑问题。

3.文气要自然。如第二段所续第一句中两个分句用and连接，表面上看，似乎语言接在一起了，但由于两个分句意义上有间距，用and连接反而不通畅。另如句与句之间的衔接，如To my amazement,however,nothing miserable happened一句，however的位置干扰了连贯性。文气其实就是coherence，coherence很多时候依靠cohesion完成，cohesion使用是否恰当，影响着文气是否通畅。

其实，上面所讲的三点都可以归入逻辑问题（情节逻辑、意义逻辑），归根结底就是语言逻辑问题。建议以后读书、写作时多思考what和why这两个问题——“这是什么？”“为什么这样用？”“这样用对不对？”“这样用好不好？”“为什么？”多加练习，必有惊喜。