Mari and Joel Barrera are your quintessential do-gooders. They both work in the public sector， volunteer at a soup kitchen and even picked their church because it was most committed to community service. They also say its a priority to raise their kids to be caring and contributing. Joel Barrera： Talk about your service project， Mila. Mila Barrera：Oh， so Im going to El Salvador this summer.

If she had to say whether her parents cared more about her being good or successful， 15-yearold Mila says itd be close， but shed say good. Her 13-year-old brother， James， doesnt hesitate. Jams Barrera： Successful.

How does he know？ Cause thats what his folks reward him for and nag him about most. Jams： Most of the pressure is on the school side.

For example， his parents let him quit the soup kitchen cause he didnt like it， but he gets no such pass on school work. Mila says she got dinner out when she got a B instead of a C， and grown-ups always light up when kids get into a great school instead of a good one.

Mila： Its like parents always say， like， it doesnt matter. But it does matter. And thats how you grow up—kind of like， oh， like， Harvard. And， like， I mean they want me to be successful.

Mila and James are typical of the more than 10，000 middle and high school students around the nation surveyed by a Harvard researcher. Eighty percent say their parents care more that theyre high achieving and happy than caring and good， even though for years parents have been telling researchers the opposite.

Harvard researcher Rick Weissbourd says parents dont realize how their everyday small acts speak louder than their words.

Rick Weissbourd： Its， you know， letting kids fudge about their community service in college applications， or its not requiring kids to reach out to a friendless kid on the playground. I dont think most parents are aware that these quiet day-to-day messages are， in many cases， drowning out other messages about caring and integrity and fairness.

Weissbourds study does not suggest any decline in kids morality. Indeed， Marvin Berkowitz， professor of character education at University of Missouri at St. Louis， doubts thats the case.

Marvin Berkowitz： There are quotes going back at least three or four thousand years in which adults lament that todays youth are the worst， morally， ever.

But still， Berkowitz says， it is troubling that for so many kids achievement trumps morality.

Berkowitz： Theres a great quote from Teddy Roosevelt in which he said “to educate a person in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.”

So-called character education is trendy in schools these days. Jesse Tang is principal of Central Queens Academy， a public middle school in New York focused on character and community， where students are recognized for things like kindness and teamwork—not just for straight As. But Tangs students who took part in the survey answered the same as the rest—that achievement is most important to their parents and their teachers.

Jesse Tang： It was eye-opening to see that achievement and kindness were so far apart. And so I think in terms of what our school is trying to do to buck certain mindsets or ways of thinking， certainly—we are kind of working against a lot of those influences.

Especially from colleges who may say they value community service. But， Tang says， kids know what really counts. Christoph Guttentag， dean of admissions at Duke University， says it only makes sense that academic institutions care most about grades. And anyway he says its hard to judge a kids kindness from an application. But， Guttentag says， colleges could do a little more to incentivize good character.

Christoph Guttentag： We have work to do in how we talk about what we value and making decisions consistent with what we say. It can have an impact on what students do but maybe not as much as we think.

Harvards Rick Weissbourd agrees. Ultimately it comes down to parents walking the walk and not just talking the talk. A hard thing to do， even for the most committed do-gooders like Mari and Joel Barrera.

Joel： Our main job as parents is to launch them into the world. And its very hard even to stay middle-class. You know， I just want her to be able to make her own way in the world.

The good news， Weissbourd says， is that teaching kids to be more mindful of others will also make them better collaborators at work. So besides being the right thing to do， he says， that might end up making kids more successful as well.

瑪丽和乔·巴雷拉是典型的行善者：他们都在公营部门工作，到流动厨房当志愿者，甚至连选择现在这家教堂也是因为它致力于社区服务。他们也说，教导自己的孩子关爱他人、贡献社会是首要任务。

乔·巴雷拉：米拉，说说你的服务计划。

米拉·巴雷拉：噢，今年夏天我会去萨尔瓦多（编者注：中美洲国家）。

如果一定要她说出父母更关心她成为一个好人还是当个成功人士，15岁的米拉说很接近，但她会说是当个好人。她13岁的弟弟詹姆斯则毫不犹豫地说——

詹姆斯·巴雷拉：当个成功人士。

他是怎么知道的呢？因为他的父母奖励和敦促他最多的就是这个。

詹姆斯：大部分压力和学习方面有关。

例如，他不喜欢流动厨房，父母就允许他不去，但在学业方面就不可能有这种待遇了。米拉说她拿到B而不是C的时候，父母会带她出去吃大餐；当孩子们考进一所优秀的学校而不仅仅只是好学校时，大人们总是喜出望外。

米拉：就好像是，父母总说没关系，但其实关系可大了。那就是你成长的环境——有点像，噢，哈佛。我的意思是，他们希望我能出人头地。

哈佛大学一名研究员针对全美一万多所中学的学生做了一项调查，米拉和詹姆斯就是当中的典型例子。80%的人说，相对有爱心和品行端正，父母更关心他们是否取得较高成就以及是否快乐——尽管多年来，父母对研究人员说的正好相反。

哈佛研究员里克·韦斯伯德说，父母没有意识到自己每天的细小行为比话语更有分量。……