吴玉红

高考英语作文要达到优秀档，同学们除了要具备强大的词汇量、完备的英语语法知识体系，语言驾驭能力也要不断提高。要提高这种驾驭能力，我们就要从用语书面化、语言逻辑性、流畅性、句式及语法结构多样化、灵活性和词汇高级化这几个方面进行锤炼。

以2015年北京市高考英语作文为例：

假设你是红星中学高三学生李华。请根据以下四幅图的先后顺序，介绍在“传统文化进校园”活动中，向面人艺术家学习捏面人的过程，并以A Day with a Craftsman为题，给校刊“英语角”写一篇英文稿件。

注意：词数不少于60。

提示词：一个面团a piece of dough； 面人dough figurine.

这是一篇看图叙事作文，四幅图的内容分别是：老艺人到来、展示手艺、指导学生和成果展示。

让我们来看看习作Ⅰ：

Last Tuesday， an old craftsman came to our classroom. Why？ Because he was invited to teach us how to make dough figurines. We gave him a warm welcome. Our head teacher asked two boys to help the old man to carry and open his tool box. The craftsman began to show us his craft.

We stood there quietly and looked at his performance carefully. His fingers were skilled and the performance was great. We all felt very surprised. Not a long time later， he finished making a monkey， a rooster， a fat pig and the god of longevity.

When it was my turn to have a try， the old man asked what I wanted to make and I said， “A starfish.” But in fact it was hard to make. I dont know how to use such different kinds of tools. But after the craftsman encouraged me， I made it. I got a lively starfish and my classmates praised me.

I remembered a Chinese saying ， nothing in the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it. I think it is the same reason in our daily work or study. From this experience we know ： To get more ， we should give more.

点评 第一段中Why？ Because ... figurines.太过口语化，直接用陈述句表达更好。

Our head teacher asked ... tool box.与The craftsman began to show us his craft.之间有先后承接关系，可以改为复合句。

第二段中We stood there ... carefully.这里的描述不够清晰、生动。

His fingers were skilled and the performance was great. We all felt very surprised.这两句有因果关系，可合为一句。Not a long time later可换成Before long。

第三段中的When it was ...“A starfish.”不够简练。

I got a lively starfish and my classmates praised me.此句在流畅性及感染力上稍有欠缺。

最后一段是表达所感所想。I think it is the same reason in our daily work or study.这句可用更高级的词组go for表达“适用于”这个意思。

于是总结可形成修改后的习作Ⅱ：

Last Tuesday， an old man came to our classroom. He was invited to teach us how to make dough figurines. We gave the old man a warm welcome. Two boys helped him with the tool box， the old man began to show us his craft.

We surrounded the craftsman quietly and watched his performance carefully. We were surprised by his skilled fingers and wonderful performance. Before long， he finished making a monkey， a rooster， a fat pig and the god of longevity.

When I was allowed to have a try， I wanted to make a starfish. But it was so difficult in practice. The piece of dough was hard to shape and I didnt know how to use different kinds of tools. But the craftsman encouraged me to try. At last I succeeded. A lively starfish appeared and my classmates praised me.

In China there is a saying， nothing in the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it. It also goes for our routine work or study. From this experience we know if we want to get more from one thing，we must work harder about it.

但是习作Ⅱ与习作Ⅰ比起来只是逻辑性稍强，语言更流畅，要达到优秀作文的档次还需要进一步润色。

我们可以将习作Ⅱ第一段中的Last Tuesday ... dough figurines.整合成复合句，接着可用no sooner ... than ...使句式更多样化。Two boys helped him with the tool box， the old man began to show us his craft.这句基于同样的考虑，可用with somebodys help这个结构表达。

第二段中We surrounded the craftsman quietly and watched his performance carefully. 还可用分词作状语，并且通过提升单词来实现高级表达。……