甘肃 段生荣

高考英语书面表达范文的亮点与“败笔”
——以全国卷Ⅰ、卷Ⅱ为例

甘肃 段生荣

自上世纪90年代初以来，高考英语试题参考答案所提供的书面表达范文，一直被认为是“钦定版”的满分作文，也是广大考生追捧的模板，往往具有示范性、引领性和权威性的作用，可谓是“高大上”的名篇佳作。然而，通过研读近年的书面表达范文，笔者发现，文章在亮点纷呈、不乏过人之处的同时，难免存在一些纰漏，现提出来与大家共同探讨，以求对考生备考有所帮助。

【例一】（2014·全国卷Ⅱ）一家英语报社向中学生征文，主题是“十年后的我”。请根据下列要点和你的畅想完成短文。

1. 家庭；

2. 工作；

3. 业余生活。

注意：1. 词数100左右；

2. 可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯；

3. 开头语已为你写好。

I often imagine what my life will be like in the future._

One Possible Version：

I often imagine what my life will be like in the future. I think my life will be very different in ten years. I will be twenty-eight years old by then. I will have my own family，probably with a lovely child. I hope I will work in a computer company as a program designer. I will enjoy my work and get along well with my colleagues. I will do a good job in whatever I do. In my free time，I will continue to take regular exercise，such as swimming，running and various ball games. On my holidays，I will travel around the world. In a word，my life will be much richer and more colorful.

【分析】参考答案所提供的范文，暴露出其最大的“败笔”：词块运用欠丰富。表述一般将来时，仅“I will...”的使用竟达七处之多，有单调泛滥之嫌。而下面这篇习作则避免了上述问题，值得我们学习和借鉴。

Me in the year 2024

I often imagine what my life will be like in the future. By 2024 I’ll have married and had a family of my own，probably a lovely kid too.To be honest，it’s my childhood dream to work as an English teacher in a middle school. Tough and challenging as the job may sound，I will go all out to make my lessons lively and interesting so that I can bring my students into the wonderful world of English. Meanwhile，I plan to devote most of my spare time to staying with my family，with whom I’m traveling around China，or even to the United States，if possible.

Such is my life in a decade，simple but happy.

请欣赏下面两篇习作的参考范文，特别要注意其中相似结构的不同表达方法。

（A）请根据下表提示，用英语写一篇短文，介绍两次获得诺贝尔奖的法籍物理学家居里夫人（Madam Curie）。

人 物时 间人生经历1867年生于波兰（Poland）1891年在巴黎大学学习，学习期间，生活艰苦，但她学习非常刻苦1895年与皮埃尔·居里（Pierre Curie）结婚后，开始共同研究放射性物质，他们发现了两种放射性（radioactive）物质钋（polonium）和镭（radium）1904年她和丈夫获得诺贝尔物理奖1906年居里先生去世后，她继续研究1911年获得诺贝尔化学奖

Madam Curie

Madam Curie，one of the greatest scientists in the world，was born in 1867 in Poland.

At the age of twenty-four she went to Paris University，where she studied very hard even if life was difficult for her. After graduation，she married Pierre Curie，and together they devoted themselves to the research into radioactive matter and discovered polonium and radium.

It was in 1904 that the Curies won the Nobel Prize for physics. Unluckily，two years later，her husband died. However，Madam Curie kept on with her research，and in her forties she received the Nobel Prize （at chemistry） for a second time.

【分析】上文对女主人公人生六个重要节点的表述匠心独运，有异曲同工之妙。为避免重复，对两次获奖的情况也使用了不同的动词来表达，堪称上乘之作。

（B）受某英文报的委托，你最近对高中生的英语阅读兴趣做了一次调查。请根据以下信息，用英语为该报写一篇100词左右的短文。短文的标题及首句已为你写好。

调查内容：在新闻、故事、科普、学习方法四种英文文章中，学生最喜欢哪一种；

调查范围：湖北省的10所中学；

调查对象：高中生；

调查人数：1 200；

调查方式：访谈；

调查结果：（见下图）。

选择各类英文文章人数的百分比

Reading Interests of Senior Middle School Students

Recently a survey has been done to find out the reading interests of senior middle school students. In this survey，over a thousand senior middle school students from ten schools in Hubei Province were interviewed. They were asked which they liked reading most among the four categories of English articles： news，stories，popular science articles and articles about learning methods.

The survey shows that more than half of the students like to read news most. Twenty-six percent of the students say that English stories are their favorite. Only seven percent of the students are most interested in reading articles about learning methods. However，the number of students who enjoy reading popular science articles doubles that of those who prefer reading articles about learning methods.

【分析】细读范文，不难发现，作者对筛选出的典型数据（黑体部分）以及“喜好”（画线部分）的表达，形式多样化，凸显了作者扎实的语言功底。

【例二】（2013·全国卷Ⅱ）假定你是李华，自制了一些中国结（Chinese knot）。给开网店的美国朋友Tom写封信，请他代卖，要点包括：

1. 外观（尺寸、颜色、材料）；

2. 象征意义；

3. 价格。

注意：1. 词数100左右；

2. 可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯；

3. 开头语已为你写好。

One Possible Version：

Dear Tom，

How are you doing? I wonder if you could sell some Chinese knots for me. I made them myself with red silk threads，cloth and other materials. They look really beautiful in the shape of a diamond，about 5 inches long and 4 inches wide. In China，these knots stand for friendship，love and good luck. People can either give them as gifts to friends or hang them in their houses. They are only 12.99 US dollars each. If anyone wants to know more about the knots，let them write to me. Also，do let me know if you need further information. Thank you!

Li Hua

Dear Tom，

How are you doing? I am writing to know if you could sell some Chinese knots for me. I made them myself with red silk threads，cloth and other materials. They look really beautiful in the shape of a diamond，about 5 inches long and 4 inches wide. These knots have special meanings in Chinese culture，such as friendship，love and good luck. People can either give them as gifts to friends or hang them in their houses. Each costs 12.99 US dollars. If anyone wants to know more about the knots，let them write to me. Also，do let me know if you need further information. Thank you!

Li Hua

【分析】参考范文中画线的部分是“增加的细节”，属于作者的适当发挥，顺理成章，恰如其分，详略得当，也是全文最大的亮点，从而避免了因汉语提示“瘦身”而可能造成的词数短缺问题。而第二篇例文中的黑体部分用词恰当、语句通顺、行文流畅，增强了表达效果。

【例三】（2013·全国卷I）假定你是李华，请你给笔友Peter写封信，告诉他你叔叔李明将去他所在城市开会，带去他想要的那幅中国画，同时询问他是否可以接机。信中还需说明：

李明：高个子，戴眼镜

航班号：CA985

到达：8月6日上午11：30

注意：1.词数100左右；

2.可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯；

3.开头语和结束语已为你写好。

One Possible Version：

Dear Peter，

How are you doing? I’m writing to tell you that my uncle Li Ming is going to your city for a conference，and I’ve asked him to bring you the Chinese painting you’ve asked for before.

Also，I’d like you to do me a favor. Would you please①meet my uncle at the airport and take him to his hotel since this is his first visit to the USA?②Thank you in advance!

His flight number is CA985，and it will arrive③at 11：30 am，August 6. My uncle is tall and he is wearing glasses. And he will be in a blue jacket④.

Looking forward to your reply.

Yours，

Li Hua

【分析】范文中黑体字部分的表述颇为精准，如：conference（正式会议）；bring（给你带来）；do sb. a favor（请人帮忙）；meet sb. at the airport（接机）等。美中不足的是，若将文中的斜体字部分用下列结构加以置换，则会使全文语言更得体，表述更丰富，且更具时代气息。

①Is it convenient for you to（it作形式主语）

②as it is the first time that he has visited the USA（固定句式；动词时态）

③which arrives（非限制性定语从句；动向动词的一般现在时表将来）

④there carrying a big red suitcase（非谓语动词；“接地气”的时代特征）

【例四】（2015·全国卷I）假定你是李华，你校英文报“外国文化”栏目拟刊登介绍美国节日风俗和中学生生活的短文。请给美国朋友彼得写信约稿，要点如下：

1. 栏目介绍；

2. 稿件内容；

3. 稿件长度：约400词；4. 交稿日期：6月28日前。

注意：1. 词数100左右；

2. 可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯；

3. 开头语已为你写好。

One Possible Version：

Dear Peter，

I’d like to ask you to write an article for our school’s English newspaper.

The“Foreign Cultures”section in our newspaper is very popular among us students. It carries articles written by foreign friends about the cultures of their home countries. Would you please write something about the culture in your part of the United States? And we would especially welcome articles about how Americans spend their holidays and festivals，and the life of American high school students. You can write anything relevant so long as it’s interesting and informative. 400 words would be fine. Could we have your article before June 28?

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours，

Li Hua

【分析】范文覆盖了所有的内容要点，设置了词汇语法亮点，突出了新颖别致的特点，是一篇不可多得的“三点式”作文。然而，通读全文后仍觉得有不尽如人意之处。首先，因语句间缺少必要的连接成分（即过渡词），使得句子干巴巴地堆砌在一起，缺乏起承转合，过渡不自然，结构欠紧凑。若使用恰当的过渡词（如for example，to be honest，therefore等）给文章润色，则会使其行文连贯、语气通顺、层次清楚、浑然一体。其次，某些词汇的运用略显生僻（如relevant，informative等）。再次，对最后两个写作要点的交代过于吝惜笔墨，匆促了事。如果将画线部分加以变通，用下面的文字取而代之，表达效果将会更加完美。（We would appreciate it if you could contribute anything related to the topic within 400 words. By the way，do keep in mind the deadline is June 28.）

综上所述，高考英语书面表达的参考范文并非圣人之作、神来之笔，无懈可击，但她毕竟属于集体智慧的结晶，瑕不掩瑜。对闪光点点赞的同时，我们还要拿她“说事儿”——善意地挑一些“刺”。只有以包容的心态，辩证地看待这一问题，才能够取其之长，补己之短，达到共同提高之目的。

（作者单位：甘肃省兰州市第六中学）