刘继华

尊敬的劉老师：

您好！

我是象山某中学的学生，我写的这篇英语作文，不知是否可以请您批改指导？谢谢！

王可伊

【写作任务】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

The Water of Life⑴

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season. We had not seen rain in almost a month. The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth. It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through. Every day， my husband and his brothers would go about the tiring process of trying to get water to the farm. If we didn’t see some rain soon， we would lose everything.

It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes. I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year old son， Billy， walking toward the woods. He wasn’t walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back. He was obviously walking with a great effort trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods， he came running out again toward the house. I went back to make sandwiches， thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed.

Moments later， however， he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. This activity went on for over an hour： walking carefully to the woods， and then running back to the house. Finally， my curiosity got the best of me. I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey.

He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked， very careful not to spill the water he held. Maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands. I sneaked closer as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face but he did not try to avoid them. He had a much greater purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him， I saw an amazing sight. A mother deer with a huge pair of deer horns appeared in front of him， with a baby fawn （幼鹿） lying on the dry ground. I almost screamed to get him away.

注意：⑴所续写短文的词数应为150左右;⑵至少使用5个短文中标有下画线的关键词语;⑶续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好;⑷续写完成后，请用下画线标出你所使用的关键词语。

【原文】

Paragraph 1：

Howevesr， Billy walked right up to them. I felt a clutch at my heart for it’d been too late to summon him back if the fierce creature with enormous horns⑵ gave him sudden attack⑶. To my amazement， however⑷， nothing miserable ⑸happened. With the water in his cupped⑹ hands， Billy knelt down slowly and inched his palms towards the corner of the baby fawn’s mouth， and with caution let the water drip into it⑺. While all of it happened⑻， the mother deer stood beside⑼， with tears glittering in her clear and gentle eyes.

【赵教授批注】

⑴ 原文细致生动，非常漂亮，只是有一个bug：头上长那么一对大角的，应该是公鹿（除非是驯鹿reindeer），不是a mother deer。不过，这个常识性错误，是原文作者或者命题的问题，你按原文写来，可以不究。但我们也应从他人的错误中吸取教训。

⑵ 应有定冠词the，因前面已提到过。如不加，则等同于一种描绘，不能说错，但以加为好。

⑶ 应有不定冠词a。

⑷ 这个however如果移至句子开头，文气会更顺畅，因为to my amazement是新信息，与上句之间的衔接不紧密，而however这种连接性副词本身的职责就是衔接。

⑸ 事情发生过后才能判断是否miserable，这里尚未发生，用该词不妥，可改为terrible。

⑹ 从实际情况看，由于鹿嘴的构造，很难让水滴进鹿嘴。更为可行的是把水捧到鹿嘴边，鹿会伸出舌头来舔水喝。

⑺语法上没有错，但这样的语言挺绕的，不够干净。其实，all the while三个词就好了。

⑻现代英语中，beside一般都是介词，后面要加宾语的。可以用beside them或者by the side。

【原文】

Paragraph 2：

I witnessed the most beautiful heart working hard to save a life. I rooted myself behind a tree to avoid being spotted by Billy， and（10） without being disturbed， he carried on（11） his rescuing plan in the woods. After what seemed like a century（12）， he paused， sitting（13） upon the ground near the fawn and stroking its fur（14）. I was too touched by the scene to become aware（15） that it was darkening and clouds（16）were gathering above the woods. After months’（17） drought， it finally rained. Thrilled shouting and crying coming in the distance（18）， I felt the rain， mixed with my tears， streaming down my cheeks.

【赵教授批注】

（9）这个句子用and连接了两个分句，意义上当然没有问题，但从意义中心来看，两个分句所述不同，最好能分开……