孙佳慧

How to provide solace amid misery

安慰别人的时候，除了“想开点儿”，你还能说些什么？

A pessimistic Chinese saying goes， “Eight or nine out of ten things in life are not as you wish.” （人生不如意事十之八九。R9nsh8ng b&r%y#  sh# sh！ zh～ b` ji^.） Yes， existence may be little more than a trudge from chore to chore， broken only by flashes of joy or tragedy， so the least you can do is help out a friend in need. The fact is， however， that comforting someone is a strange business， language-wise. In English， its common to say， “there， there”， but where is the “there” to which the first “there” is referring？ Its madness. For the art of comforting in Chinese， always apply the right strategy， or， as another saying goes， “Apply medicine according to the symptoms （對症下药

du# zh-ng xi3 y3o）.”

First of all， you should learn the phrase 想开点儿 （xi2ng k`i di2nr）， which roughly means “let it go”， a platitude everyone loves to use but hates to hear. Use this cliché sparingly because it can do more harm than good when trotted out too promptly or too often. Most people dont want such coldheartedly rational advice; they just want to vent their emotions. For you， as listener， a good rule of thumb is to just amplify the complainers emotion. If they are angry， get angrier. If they are crying， cry with them and cry harder.

A： I cant believe he cheated on me！ How could he do that？

T` j$r1n pi3n w6！ Z0nme hu# zh-y3ng！

他居然骗我！怎么会这样！

B： It happened once， it will happen again. Get rid of him！

Y6u y～ ji& y6u -r， g8n t` f8nsh6u！

有一就有二，跟他分手！

A： Weve been together for so many years...

W6men z3i y#q@ h0ndu4 ni1n le...

我们在一起很多年了……

B： Hes just scum， so why not dump him？ T` ji&sh# y！ g- zh`n1n！ G3n m1 b& shu2i le t`？

他就是一个渣男！干吗不甩了他？

Keep in mind that its a risky maneuver to persuade someone into ending a relationship. You cant really anticipate your friends emotions so be sure to hedge your bets. Otherwise， youll end up in an awkward position when emotions cool and the relationship heals.

Another strategy is known as “showing a bigger scar”， entirely unrelated to the movie Jaws. Rather， it has to do with the Hong Kong TV series Men Dont Cry， which has the line， “If you are unhappy， tell us， so we can be happy！ （你有什么不开心的，说出来让大家开心一下！ N@ y6u sh9nme b& k`ix～n de， shu4 ch$lai r3ng d3ji` k`ixin y！xia！）” People might not actually enjoy their friends misfortune， but letting someone know that your life is also a mess can be extremely comforting. Misery loves company， and minor setbacks are completely infatuated with big-league catastrophe.

A：I have been working like a dog， but cant get a promotion or a pay raise. Many of my peers are already managers.

W6 y#zh！ p～nm#ng g4ngzu7， d3n ji&sh# b&n9ng sh8ngzh！ ji`x～n. X^du4 g8n w6 t5ngsh！ r&zh！ de t5ngsh# d4u y@j～ng sh# j～ngl@ le.

我一直拼命工作，但就是不能升職加薪。许多跟我同时入职的同事都已经是经理了。

B： I understand， but its not that bad. To tell you the truth， I havent been promoted in four years！

W6 m！ngbai n@ de g2nsh7u， d3n sh#qing y0 m9i n3me z`o. Sh！hu3 g3osu n@， w6 y@j～ng s# ni1n m9i sh8ngzh！ le！

我明白你的感受，但事情也没那么糟。实话告诉你，我已经四年没升职了！

A： I know thats life， but I really feel bad.

W6 zh～d3o sh8nghu5 ji&sh# zh-y3ng de， d3n w6 x～nli zh8n de b& sh$fu.

我知道生活就是这样的，但我心里真的不舒服。

B： Come on！ I heard that Tom lost his job last week. At least you are in a much better place than us！

Bi9 zh-y3ng！ W6 t～ngshu4 T`ngm^ sh3ngzh4u g`ngg`ng sh～y-， n@ de ch^j#ng zh#sh2o b@ w6men h2o.

别这样！我听说汤姆上周刚刚失业，你的处境至少比我们好。

Although this can give your friend a boost， you risk sounding like someone who makes every piece of drama about themselves. As long as you take care to not sound too dismissive， you can all have fun looking on the bright side of life. This method can be applied to current events as well as affairs of the heart.

A： Oh my god！ Tom Hiddleston got together with Taylor Swift！ My heart has been broken into pieces！

Ti`n a！ D6us8n h9 M9imei z3i y#q@ le！ W6 de x～n

y@j～ng su# ch9ng zh`r le！

天啊！抖森和霉霉在一起了！我的心已经碎成渣儿了！

Their odds of actually getting to take a ride on the Loki train may be slim， but thats no reason to be cruel to your fangirl friends. So， put everything aside， and just say： “Take it easy. You should feel lucky that its Taylor， because they will totally break up soon！ （别激动！ 你应该庆幸是泰勒！因为他们很快就会分手的！Bi9 j～d7ng！ N@ y～ngg`i q#ngx#ng sh# T3il-！ Y～nw-i t`men h0n ku3i ji& hu# f8nsh6u de！）” See？ Theres the inevitable bright side.

When in doubt， you can always reach for a helpful Chinese proverb; if a friend loses his wallet on the bus， you can console him by saying， “It is said that ‘an unexpected loss can cancel out misfortunes， so dont worry about it. （俗话说‘破财消灾嘛，算了吧。S%hu3 shu4 ‘p7 c1i xi`o z`i' ma， su3n le ba.）”

If their misery is about something other than money， you can go for another useful proverb， “塞翁失马，焉知非福 （s3i w8ng sh～ m2， y`n zh～ f8i f%），” which literally means， “An old frontiersman loses his horse， but it could be a blessing in disguise.” The phrase relates to a story about an old man whose horse runs away， but then returns with several wild horses from the neighboring country. So if you want to say “a blessing in disguise”， just give the horse phrase a go.

A： I was fired today. I really dont know what to do.

W6 j～nti`n b-i ch2o y5uy% le. W6 zh8n b& zh～d3o g`i z0nme b3n le.

我今天被炒鱿鱼了。我真不知道该怎么办了。

B： Maybe its a blessing in disguise. Havent you always wanted to go back to university to further your studies？ This is your chance.

S3i w8ng sh～ m2， y`n zh～ f8i f%. N@ b% sh# y#zh！ xi2ng hu！ d3xu9 sh8nz3o ma ？ Xi3nz3i zh-ngh2o y6u j～hu# le.

塞翁失马，焉知非福。你不是一直想回大学深造吗？现在正好有机会了。

Again， remember that there is no panacea for personal pain. For some， optimism can console; others just want you to roll around in the muck with them for a while. Some folks， however， are more practical and need answers more than they need consoling.

A： I am afraid my restaurant may go bankrupt soon. I didnt make any profit this month.

Ai！ W6 de c`nt～ng y3o d2ob# le， zh-ge yu- y# f8n qi1n y0 m9i zhu3nd3o.

唉！我的餐廳要倒闭了，这个月一分钱也没赚到。

B： Well， your food is delicious. You just need to work more on the marketing. Why not try some promotional events for the Christmas season？

Sh！p@n m9i w-nti， h0n h2och～. Zh@sh# y3o z3i y！ngxi`o shang xi3 di2nr g4ngfu. Sh-ngd3nji9 q～ji`n g2ogao c&xi`o z0nmey3ng ？

食品没问题，很好吃。只是要在营销上下点儿功夫。圣诞期间搞搞促销怎么样？

Try to avoid starting sentences with， “you should have...” No matter how right you are， its still likely that your friend will call you Captain Hindsight and punch you in the face.

Dealing with the depressed is difficult; you never know if you should tell a joke or make a stirring speech. But dont worry， as long as you care， your friends will notice. You just need to make it clear that you are there to listen， that youre on their side. For this， there is one phrase you need above all： “If you need help， just say the word （需要帮忙的话， 尽管开口。X$y3o b`ngm1ng dehu3， j@ngu2n k`ik6u. ）”