By Adrian Raine

Have you ever been stuck on a pavement behind slow 1）pedestrians， who stop you getting past？ Those slow-coachers waste our time and reduce 2）productivity， and they drive me mad. The solution？ Pavements should be sectioned into three lanes； slow， middle and fast， just like 3）motorways. Slow lanes are for the elderly， child 4）strollers， umbrella-holders， 5）panhandler， the 6）inebriated and those dreadful cellphoners， who crawl along and then stop dead right in front of you. The middle lane is for your average pedestrian， but if they hog that lane for more than 10 seconds， they get ticketed by pedestrian 7）wardens， a new workforce that will reduce unemployment. The fast lane is for people in a hurry， but theres no fines [sic] for speeding because people need to get a move on in life. Pedestrians are equipped with deafening horns to 8）hoot target pedestrians out of their way. And finally， its three strikes and youre out. After three tickets， youre banned for life from pavements and have to take a door-to-door taxi to get to wherever you want to go.

你是否曾经在人行道上被缓慢的行人挡住去路呢？这些“蜗牛”浪费了我们的时间，降低了我们的工作效率，他们让我很抓狂。解决的办法？人行道应该被划分为三条：慢速道、中速道和快速道，就像高速公路上一样。慢速道是留给老人、推婴儿车的人、带伞的人、乞丐、喝醉的人以及那些讨厌的手机用户，他们缓慢地前行，然后突然停在你的面前。中速道是给一般的行人，但是如果他们占道超过10秒，就会收到监管人开出的罚单，而这种新兴的劳动力会降低失业率。快速道是给赶时间的人，这里不会对快走开罚，因为人们需要快节奏的生活。这里的行人配备了刺耳的喇叭来驱赶挡住他们去路的人们。最后，你只有3次机会。收到3张罚单后，你就被禁止在人行道上行走，你去哪儿都必须坐的士。