by Caroline Archer

Ever since I left home 15 years ago the relationship between my mother and I has steadily worsened. 1）In hindsight it was never very good， but its taken 15 years of counselling and 2）soul-searching to realise that. The fact of the matter is my mother and I dont like each other much. We dont hate each other. Were just sort of indifferent.

My mother and I live hundreds of miles apart and， as the case of most of my friends， this should mean that visits “home” （though I never call it that in the way that other people do） should be times of joy and excitement. Instead they are weekends （since that can rarely be longer） of tense， polite conversation， both of us desperately searching for something in common to talk about （usually what shes currently watching on television）.

自从我离家到如今的15年里，母亲与我的关系一直持续恶化。现在回过头来看，其实我俩的关系从来就不是很好，但我却是费了15年时间的心理辅导和自我反省来明白这个事实。事实上，母亲和我并不怎么喜欢彼此。我们不憎恨对方。我们就是有那么点儿冷淡。

我的母亲和我住得有几百英里远，如果让我大多数的朋友来说，回“家”（虽然我从不像其他人那样将它称之为“家”）应该是喜悦和兴奋的时刻。但事实上，这些回家的周末（甚少超过周休二日）是那么的气氛紧张，充满客气拘束的对话，我们都拼命地寻找某些共同话题来聊（通常是她时下正在看的电视节目）。

As a thirtysomething woman on the verge of becoming a mother myself， I am constantly surrounded by reminders that my mum should be my best friend. Youthful mothers going to salons with their best-friend daughters. Because its all so alien to me， I tend to become somewhat 3）fixated. Looking beyond the principal plotlines of films and become obsessed with the parts that involve a mother and daughter or a large， loving family headed up by a 4）quirky matriarch. When the film Mamma Mia！ came out， I went to see it with a girlfriend for a bit of a laugh. It was mainly about love affairs between Meryl Streep and her exes， and her daughters wedding， but for me it was about the extraordinary esteem in which her daughter held her mum and the affection between them. As I watched， I was， as always， bewildered by the apparently natural bond that mothers and daughters have on screen. My friend Suzy has the sort of relationship with her mum that 5）baffles and fascinates me.

I didnt have an unhappy upbringing. I wasnt a particularly happy child but that wasnt down to child abuse or neglect. I was clothed， and fed， I had ballet lessons， I went to university. I knew—and know—that theres always somewhere to stay if I need it and probably money to borrow if necessary. But sad， my mother and I never had the sort of closeness I saw in my friends relationships. The one time I tried to ask my mother about her teenage years she told me to mind my own business. So I did.

我，作为一个即将为人母的三十多岁的女人，不断被周围提醒：我的母亲应该是我最好的朋友。年轻漂亮的妈妈们都和她们最好的朋友——女儿，一起去发型沙龙做头发去。如此场景对我来说太陌生了，我都变执着起来了。看电影的时候，我会忽视主要情节，只醉心剧中母女相处的部分，或是著迷于奇趣祖母掌舵有爱大家族的情节。当电影《妈妈咪呀》上映的时候，为了找点乐子，我和一个女伴一起去看了。影片主要是讲梅里尔·斯特里普与她的前夫间的风流韵事，以及她女儿的婚礼，但于我而言，那其实是在讲梅里尔·斯特里普的女儿对母亲的超凡敬重以及两人之间的浓浓爱意。看着这些影片，我时常对屏幕上那显然易见、自然流露的母女情愫感到困惑。我的朋友苏西与她的母亲就有这种令我困惑又使我着迷的关系。

我并没有不愉快的成长经历。小时候我不是一个特别快乐的小孩儿，但也不至于经历虐儿或者被无视忽略。我衣食无忧，我上芭蕾课，我读了大学。我过去知道——现在也明白——如果我需要，总有个地方可以让我呆着，如果必要的话，也许还能借出钱来。但可惜的是，母亲与我之间从未有过那种亲昵，那种我从我的朋友身上看到的母女情深。有一次我试着询问母亲关于她的青葱岁月，她告诉我管好自己就行了。我也的确这么做了。

I left home as soon as possible， and met the man who is now my husband at university and he quickly stepped into the role of best friend， 6）confidante and emotional support-giver. I made several enduring friendships， most of my friends believe me to be a loving and caring individual and I know I could turn to any one of them in an emergency， and them me. Yet I cant remember the last time my mother and I hugged （though I hug my friends all the time） and the very thought of it makes me cringe. My mother is the last person I go to in a crisis. I dont need to do so any more as I have my friends.

This lacking close relationship with her bothers other people a lot. I used to go through phases of worrying about it and trying to repair the damage. But all the while I was aware that I was doing it for other people. I visit， infrequently， but I visit. The thing is I do it not so I can see her， but so her neighbours and family can see me visiting. A few years ago， before I realised I didnt care any more， I called her up and asked whether we could 7）sort it out. Her answer told me everything I needed to know： “Sort what out？” I stopped bothering from that moment on. Now my principal concern is explaining to people why I dont see her that often， and the guilt I feel is for not really having a good enough reason. My parents werent divorced， there has been no huge family dispute， there is no big 8）skeleton in anyones cupboard （well， not mine， anyway）.

I recently went to see a nurse for a 9）routine appointment and she asked a host of questions about my mother. Eventually， I had to confess that I didnt know half the answers. She asked whether I could find out. My heart sank as I imagined having to give away a detail of my life （such as why I was going to the nurse） to my own mother. Mothers Day is a nightmare. Trying to find a card that doesnt say， “My Mother， My Best Friend” or “The Best Mother in The World” or “My heroine”is not easy， let me tell you. Others try to fix it for me. “Why dont you book a spa weekend？” they say helpfully. The very thought of my mother agreeing to or enjoying something like that is laughable. Or they ask， “Why dont you go for counseling？” This would be all well and good（if she would ever condone the idea）， but it implies a relationship that needs to be mended. Why does it need to be fixed at all？

Were my mother a woman I had met on a train and chatted to for half an hour， she would be one of the last people in the world I would want to talk to for another half-hour. I simply grew up and discovered that I didnt like my mother as a human being. Shes not like me （at least I hope not）. Shes self-obsessed， not interested in others， thoughtless and incapable of genuine warmth. She has no concept of giving love to receive love， and has never asked me a single， meaningful question about my life or career.

Some people might feel that I have a duty as a daughter to “be there” for my mother； that its down to me to repair our relationship. But because of the way shes raised me， I dont feel theres a relationship to repair. Although I would want no harm to come to anyone， I honestly couldnt care less if she was alive or dead.

And the only sad thing about that is that people will hate me for saying so.

我迫不及待地离开了家，在大学遇到了我现在的丈夫，他迅速地进入了好友、知己和情感支撑的角色。我建立了不少长久的友谊，我的大多数朋友都认为我是一个有爱心和同情心的人，而我也知道我能在紧急状况时求助于他们当中的任何一个，反之亦然。然而我却记不住与母亲的上一次拥抱（但是我经常拥抱我的朋友），一想到这儿就令我心寒。在危急的状况下，母亲是最后一个我会去求助的人。我根本不需要这么做，因为我有朋友。

与母亲之间的疏远关系给别人带来了不少困扰。我也曾担心过这件事，也曾试图修补裂痕。但我始终意识到我这是碍于旁人闲话而这么做的。我探望她，虽然不太经常，但我探望了。我为的不是要见她，而是要她的邻居和家人看到我有来探望她。几年前，在我彻底放弃之前，我给母亲打了通电话问她我俩是否能够解决这个问题。她的回答告知了我需要了解的一切：“解决什么？”从那一刻起我开始不屑了。当下我最关心的是要向人们解释我为何不时常去探望她，而我的罪恶感是因为我没有一个真正足够好的理由。我的父母没有离婚，没有什么大的家庭纠纷，也没什么大的家丑要掖着（好吧，总之，与我无关）。

近来我会定期约见一个护士，她会问起一大堆关于我母亲的问题。最终，我不得不承认有一半的问题我都答不出来。她问我是否可以找到答案。我的心为之一沉，因为想到得向母亲交代自己的生活细节（比如我为什么去见那个护士）。母亲节就是个噩梦。老实告诉你，去找一张没有写着“母亲，我的挚友”、“世上最好的母亲”或者“我的女豪杰”的卡片并没那么简单。旁人试图给我解决方案。“为什么你不在周末预订个水疗呢？”他们热心地说。让我的母亲同意并去享受类似水疗那般的事物，这种奇思妙想是可笑的。再者她们会问：“为什么你不去试一下心理辅导？”这应当是个万全之策（如果她能够容忍这个主意的话），但这意味着这段关系需要被修补。究竟为什么需要修复呢？

假使我母亲是我在火车上偶遇并聊上半个小时的女人，我是绝对不会再愿意多花半小时跟她聊天的。我只是长大后发现我不喜欢我母亲那种人。她和我不同（至少我希望不同）。她自恋，对别人毫不关心，不替别人着想而且给不了别人真挚的温暖。她不懂得以爱换爱的概念，而且从来没问过关于我生活或事业的任何一个有意义的问题。

有些人会觉得，我作为一个女儿有为母亲守候备至的责任；修补与母亲之间的关系该由我来做。但由于母亲养育我的方式，我并不觉得有什么关系需要修补。虽然我不愿任何人受到伤害，但说实话，她是死是活，我真的不在乎。

唯一一件伤神的事儿就是人们会因为我这么说而恨我。