by Kevin Farrell

I was at 1）Fort Drum in upstate New York last year when it really hit me. I dont know if it was because I was getting ready to go to war and was nervous， or because I watched the sun rise every morning at first formation， and that always reminded me of Kathryn. Either way， all I knew for certain was that I was still in love with her， and I had to get her back into my life.

For a long time I had this crazy idea that I could change the world if I just worked hard enough. The 2）downside of having that idea is that it took me away from home for long periods of time.

Kathryn was always at home waiting for me. All told I was away for an entire year of the two and a half years we dated.

I met Kathryn when I was 22 and she was 18. The short version of our story sounds great： Her house caught fire and I was in the fire department.

去年，当思念真真切切地涌上心头的时候，我是在纽约上州的德拉姆堡。我不清楚那是因为我正准备投身战事而心绪不安，还是因为我每天早上初次集队时都看到日出，而这常常会让我想起凯瑟琳。无论是哪种原因，我能够肯定的是我依然爱着她，并且我必须把她拉回到我的生命中。

长期以来，我一直有这种疯狂的想法，认为自己只要够努力就能改变世界。怀有这种想法的坏处就是会让我长期离家在外。

凯瑟琳总是呆在家里等我。在我们交往的两年半时间里，有整整一年我是完全不在家的。

当我遇到凯瑟琳的时候，我22岁，她18岁。我们的故事简单说来很美妙：她的房子着火了，而我就在消防局工作。

When I got back from basic training a couple of years ago， I felt different， as if I was doing things with my life and Kathryn wasnt. I wanted something more， something bigger， and it didnt seem that she did， so I broke up with her. She was crushed， but she didnt try very hard to change my mind.

A few months later， in December， something bigger did happen. My 3）National Guard unit was selected for a 2012 deployment to Afghanistan. Suddenly our monthly 4）drills got more intense， and our annual two weeks of training that summer made me think over what was good in my life.

I called Kathryn and told her I was still in love with her and I was a fool to have let her go. She said she had a new boyfriend and was happy with him and didnt want me back.

Even though Kathryn said she didnt want me back， she entertained the texts I sent saying I loved her.

One day while she was in the shower， her boyfriend went through her phone and saw the texts， and their relationship ended shortly after. Two weeks later our new relationship started.

几年前，当我结束基本训练回家时，我的感觉有所不同，就像是我是以生命成就大事，而凯瑟琳却不然。我想干更多、更大的事，但她看起来却并非如此，于是我向她提出分手。她崩溃了，但没有做太多的努力来改变我的想法。

几个月后，到了12月，果然有大事发生。我所在的国民警卫队小组被选中参加奔赴阿富汗的2012年部署。突然间，我们每月的训练变得更加紧张起来，而那个夏天我们每年一度的为期两周的训练让我思考自己的人生什么才是美好的。

我给凯瑟琳打电话，跟她说我依然爱她，我是个蠢蛋，竟然让她离开我。她说她已经有了新男友，和他处得很愉快，并不想与我复合。

尽管凯瑟琳口中说她不想和我复合，但是她却留着我发的示爱短信。

有一天，当她在洗澡的时候，她的男友查阅她的手机，并且发现了那些短信，他们的关系很快就结束了。两周后，我们的恋爱关系又重新开始了。

It was a lot different from the first time. Instead of going to school， Kathryn had a fulltime fashion job in New York City.

Reminders of her ex-boyfriend were all over： the stuffed animal on her bed， the iPhone he bought her. I tried to ignore the image of her with someone else， and I tried even harder to make our new relationship like our old one. I tried， but I didnt do so well.

这次与最初的时候有很大的不同。凯瑟琳已经没有上学了，她在纽约有一份全职的时尚界工作。

让人想起她前男友的东西到处都是：她床上的毛绒动物、他买给她的苹果手机。我尝试忽略她与其他人的照片，我也费尽心思让我们的新关系回复到以前一样。我尽力了，但效果并不好。

Our evenings together mainly consisted of us eating takeout and her falling asleep on the couch as we watched reruns of Project Runway.

我们一起度过的晚上多数是我们一起吃外卖，而她就在我们看《天桥骄子》的重播时，在沙发上睡着了。

Light from the television filled the dark room and flickered on us like a fire but gave no warmth. The space between us on the couch spoke more about our relationship than we did to each other.

After two months of this， we were eating dinner one evening when I brought up 5）the elephant in the room： “What are we going to do when I deploy？”

“I dont know，” she replied， quietly.

“Do you still want to date while Im gone？”

She looked down at her plate. “Not really.”

“So then what are we doing？”

Again， quietly， she said， “I dont know.”

She did know. We both knew. She just didnt want to say out loud that she didnt want to wait for me again. I understood. She was 22， beautiful and shouldnt be wasting her life waiting for me. We broke up， but this time she broke up with me.

I tried going on dates， but it never went well. The deployment hung over my head like a 6）guillotine， ready to cut me off from everything I knew and loved. My weekends were spent going out to restaurants and movies with girls I had met online， at bars or through friends. There would be small talk about our lives， the past and the present， but when the future came up， things went downhill.

电视上的光照亮了昏暗的房间，并且在我们身上如火焰般闪动，但却毫无温暖。沙发上我俩间的距离比我们所做的更能说明我们之间的关系。

两个月后，一天晚上，我们吃晚餐的时候，我将这个大家一直避而不谈的问题和盘托出：“我参加部署后，我们怎么办？”

“我不知道。”她平静地回答。

“我走后，你还希望继续交往吗？”

她低着头看着她的盘子：“不太想。”

“那我们现在在干什么？”

又一次，她平静地说：“我不知道。”

她知道的。我们都知道。她只是不想大声说出她不想再等我了。我明白。她22岁，长得漂亮，不应该浪费时间来等我。我们分手了，但这一次，是她提出分手。

我尝试和别人约会，但总难有进展。悬在我头脑中的部署行动如同一个断头台，随时准备将我与我所知所爱的一切一刀两断。我的周末都花在跟不同的女孩上餐馆、看电影上面，这些女孩子都是我在网上认识的、在酒吧结识的以及朋友介绍的。我们之间会略谈到我们的生活，过往和现在，但当谈到未来，情况就会急转直下。

No one wanted to start a relationship under those circumstances， and I wasnt one for 7）flings. After being turned down so many times， I stopped trying.

A month before I left， I decided to send Kathryn an e-mail to see if she wanted to get together for coffee or dinner. After not getting a response for a couple of days， I sent another e-mail asking if she got the first one.

The next day she wrote： “Yes， I got your e-mails， but I honestly dont have anything to say. I dont really see a reason to meet up or talk. Im sorry. Ill always wish you the best of luck though.”

I went to New York City and walked around， hoping to randomly run into her. As my feet hit the sidewalk， I felt like an old rusty anchor dragging along the bottom of a rocky seabed， never catching on anything， never getting a hold of anyone. Strangers streamed past me like rushing water.

The time came for me to leave， and I left. When I got to 8）mobilization training， I figured something out. I realized that everyone belongs somewhere. Beautiful young girls who love fashion belong in New York City， at parties and bars， having fun and meeting boys. 9）Headstrong young men who become soldiers belong on the other side of the planet， at war， shooting and being shot at. We were both where we belonged.

Over here in Afghanistan Im doing one of the hardest things a person can do， and I might not make it home alive. I dont know if Im fighting for freedom， or democracy， or against terrorism. All I know is， I need to get Kathryn back into my life.

But I also know I wont， and thats just the way it is.

没人希望在这种情况下开始一段恋情，而我也不是爱短暂风流韵事的人。被多次拒绝后，我不再尝试。

在我离开前的一个月，我决定发一封邮件给凯瑟琳，问她是否愿意一起喝咖啡或者吃晚饭。好几天都没有收到她的回复后，我又发了一封邮件问她有没有收到之前发给她的那封。

第二天，她写道：“对，你的邮件我都收到了，但坦白说，我无话可说。我们找不到一个要见面或者聊天的理由。对不起。不过，我会一直祝你好运。”

我跑到纽约市去，在街头闲逛，希望可以意外地碰到她。但当我的双脚落在人行道上，我就觉得自己如同一个生锈的旧船锚，沿着一片岩石满布的海床的底部拖拽而行，捕不到任何东西，也捉不住任何人。陌生人就如流水般从我身边奔流而过。

动身的日子到了，我就走了。当我开始做动员训练的时候，我明白到了一些事情。我明白到每个人都属于某个地方。美丽年轻、热爱时尚的女孩子属于纽约城，属于派对和酒吧，尽情玩乐，结识帅哥。当兵的年轻固执的男子属于地球的另一边，属于战争，开枪射击和被瞄准射击。我们都在自己所属的地方。

如今在阿富汗，我做着其中一件平常人最难做的事，我可能不能保命回家。我不清楚自己是为自由、民主还是为反恐而战。我只知道，我需要把凯瑟琳拉回到我的生命中。

但我也知道我不会成功，世事就是如此。