by E. ONeill

Last August when I went to 2）Upstate New York to see my mother， I believed it would be the last time she would recognize me. I hadnt seen her since February of 2010， when the man I had known as “3）Dad” my entire life passed. Moms disease had noticeably progressed in the two and a half years since I had seen her.

While I had been phoning several times a week， being present to witness the progression of Alzheimers is painful. She had her husband of almost two decades， Pete， to tend to her. They lived alone and had a very active life. I secretly questioned where he found the patience to handle the 4）repetitiveness， coupled with what appeared to be permanent exhaustion， as she required extensive napping. That was none of my business as I respected their union and privacy.

2010年2月，那个我人生中所知的“父亲”去世了，那时候我见过母亲。去年8月我再去纽约上州探望母亲，我觉得那应当是她最后一次认出我了。两年半的时间没见面，母亲的病情明显恶化了。

虽然平时我会每周拨上几通电话，但这次亲眼见证阿尔茨海默症的恶化是痛苦的。她的丈夫皮特，照料了她近二十年。他们就两个人过着充实的日子。母亲总是一副疲态，老得小睡片刻，我还曾经悄悄问过皮特，他哪来的耐性应对这种刻板的生活节奏。当然，这些都于我无关，我尊重他们的结合与隐私。

He was a good man， highly capable and I was grateful he was such a good husband to my mother. He still found time to golf and be with his friends， dropping her for a few hours at an Adult Care Center. I hadnt planned on visiting my hometown again. I had put my 5）dysfunctional past behind me， and had written a book， Ellen Who？ Story of a Secret 6）Love Child， about it to help others who had experienced a similarly bizarre history. I had no desire or plans to ever return to my hometown. Those chapters of my life were behind me， or so I thought.

I had sent Pete a plant for his birthday， which was just after Thanksgiving， and found it odd I hadnt heard from him by the end of the day. When I called their home， his sister Kathy， who lived in Michigan， answered. Pete had fallen that morning and broken his hip. She had jumped in her car immediately to make the seven-hour trip to assist. Petes daughter lived one hour east， and both my brother and sister lived right there in town. Apparently， no one was stepping up. I spoke to my mother， who sounded 7）rattled and confused. I hung up and booked my flight.

I arrived a few days later， relieving Kathy to return home. I was stunned at what I saw in my mother. She was confused and unable to cope with direction. I reached out to an Alzheimers hotline that informed me it was common for the rapid progression of the disease when there was a big change， especially if the primary caregiver is no longer present. She was incapable of completing any task on her own. Mid-course she would need to be reminded repeatedly. If I left her for five minutes in her room， she would put her pajamas back on and get into bed. It took two hours to get her up and out of the house. I had raised two children alone since they were toddlers， and that was a walk in the park compared to this. Pete was due to move from the hospital that performed his hip surgery to the 8）rehabilitation center nearby， and I wanted to get her to see him daily. She seemed to be better after seeing him， and resisted when it was time to leave him. He instructed her to follow my directions， which helped in the moment. I took her out to dinner and that proved to be a disaster. It was challenging to get her out of the restaurant. We were barely back at their place when she began the stream of questioning，“Wheres Pete？” I was not prepared for what was referred to as Sundowners Syndrome， which brought out anger and 9）aggression. My mother began to yell at me， accusing me of trying to separate her from her husband. Shed refuse any direction， and scream at me exactly the way she had while I was growing up. I was beside myself. Once I got her to bed for the night， I was able to reach my friend Dorothy in Los Angeles， from my support group. Dorothy had seen and heard everything over her lifetime. She immediately got me on track and after praying that night， the morning brought what must have been a miracle. I was racing against time to get myself ready for the day， the same way I did when my children were little so that Id be ready to be the caregiver.

他是个好男人，相当能干，我也感激他于我母亲而言是如此好的丈夫。他将母亲寄放在成人护理中心几小时，便仍能寻得时间与朋友一起打打高尔夫球。我从未打算再回故乡看看。我以自身不寻常的过往为背景，写了本书《埃伦·某某？一个秘密私生子的故事》，以此来帮助那些拥有类似离奇轨迹的人们。我从未有过欲望或者念想回去我的故乡。我人生的那段经历已成过去了，我以为。

我给皮特邮寄了一株植物作为生日贺礼，那时感恩节刚刚过去，奇怪的是直到他生日当天结束我都没有得到他任何回音。当我打电话到他们家里的时候，他住在密歇根的姐姐凯西接了电话。皮特那天早上跌倒了还摔坏了髋骨。她立马驾车七个小时赶去帮忙。皮特的女儿住在距离一小时车程的东部，而我的哥哥和妹妹就住在那个镇上。很明显，没人愿意理会。我跟母亲说了几句，觉得她有点惊恐迷糊。挂上电话，我便订了航班飞了过去。

几天后我到了父母家，便让凯西回家休息去了。看到母亲当时的状态，我很震惊。她很糊涂，还不能辨别方向。我拨通了阿尔茨海默症咨询热线，得知当巨变发生时病情急速恶化是很正常的，尤其是当主要的看护人不再出现时。她不能独自完成任何一项活动。到了中期，母亲需要旁人反复提醒。如果我把她留在自己的房间五分钟，她可能会又再穿上自己的睡衣上床睡觉。那就得花上两个小时的时间扶她下床再带她走出家门。我曾独自带大过两个蹒跚学步的孩子，与照料母亲相比那已经算是在公园散步了。皮特离开接受髋骨手术的医院移至附近的复健中心后，我想每天带母亲去看他。当她看到皮特后就看起来好多了，要离开皮特时总是万般不愿。皮特会叫她听从我的话，在当时那一会儿是有用的。我带她出去吃晚餐，事实证明那是场灾难。把她带离餐厅是件极具挑战的事。都还没踏入家门，母亲就开始那如泉涌般的询问：“皮特在哪儿？”对于她带怨怒攻击行为的“日没综合症”，我毫无防备。我母亲开始对着我吼叫，指责我试图让她与丈夫分开。她不听从我的任何指示，并以我年幼时她惯用的方式对着我大喊大叫。我自己也狂躁不已。晚上哄母亲睡着了，我才有机会去见见在洛杉矶后援团的朋友——桃乐斯。桃乐斯的一生见闻了许多事情。她立马帮助我走上了正轨且在那晚祈祷过后，隔天清晨便迎来算得上奇迹的东西。我争分夺秒地为一天做好准备，正如我的孩子年幼时那样，我得准备好成为看护人。

Her face was all bright-eyed as she exclaimed，“I am so happy you decided to pay a visit！” Her demeanor was loving and kind. From that moment on， I saw this woman before me as a vulnerable person who needed me. She needed reassurance， love and consistency during this time while her world was being turned upside down. I could do this， and I would. I would love her in the way she was incapable of loving me all those years back. I saw an innocence in her eyes that was 10）void of the lies that our relationship was based upon. Id love her unconditionally， and be the daughter she deserved. We visited Pete daily， and decorated their place during the holidays in preparation for his return home. 11）Physical therapy came in， as did his friends. They spent time with Mom as I researched assisted living homes. I worked with Pete to make the right decision， and moved them 12）seamlessly into their new place within a matter of days. I made sure to have the new living room painted the same color yellow as the one they were leaving. It worked， and Mom adjusted 13）instantly to their new home.

Pete was 14）embarrassed he hadnt taken this step sooner. He was a strong， proud， independent man， and I was honored he entrusted me to manage everything for him. Both of my children flew in without hesitation for Christmas， and saw the deep love that had grown between mother and me. I smiled when I entered the new apartment where I had carefully hung every picture. I visited daily， just to hear my mother say， “What do you think of our new place， isnt it lovely？”， as if I was there for the first time. Every day was a 15）rerun in Moms world， and she was free of worry or concern.

I returned to California filled with what I wasnt aware was missing. A deeper healing had taken place within me through this opportunity to be of service to my mother and Pete that gave me great relief and comfort. After my favorite holiday had passed me by， forgiveness was the gift that ultimately came to me this past Christmas.

母亲惊呼“你来看我，我太高兴了！”，她说着，简直两眼放光，一举一动充满和善爱意。从那一刻起，我将自己眼前的这个女人视为一个需要我的脆弱的人。在她的世界正一片混乱的此时，她需要安全感、爱和稳定。我能做到，并且我也愿意这么做。这些年以来纵使她不能爱我，我也愿意爱她。我在她眼中看到天真无邪，因此我们的关系便建立在没有一丝谎言的真诚的基础上。我将会无条件地爱她，做一个她理应拥有的女儿。我们每天都会去探望皮特，并在休息日里为了他的归来装修他们的住所，以做好准备。皮特去做物理治疗，他的朋友们也过来了。在我研究如何改装房子配合居家康复时，他们便替我照看母亲。我会同皮特一起作出正确的决定，就在大约几天的时间里，他们就迁入了新住所。我确保将新客厅漆成了和他们之前客厅相同的黄色。这很奏效，母亲当下就适应他们的新家了。

皮特很窘自己没有早点儿这么做。他是一个强壮、骄傲、独立的男人，我很荣幸被他委托去为他处理所有的事。我的两个孩子毫不犹豫地飞来过圣诞节，并看到了我与母亲之间深深的爱。当我步入我小心翼翼地挂上每一张照片的新公寓时，我笑了。我每天都去拜访，就为了听到母亲说：“你觉得我们的新家怎么样？可爱吧？”，就好像是我第一次造访那里一样。每一天在母亲的世界里都是一次重映，她远离了烦恼和担心。

回到加州，我内心那曾不以为然的空虚被填满了，通过为母亲和皮特效劳的机会，我心中的伤痛被更好地治愈了，那机会给了我极大的放松和宽慰。在我衷爱的假期结束之后，在去年的圣诞节，宽容是最后来到我身边的礼物。