When Felicity Aston started smelling fish and chips， she knew something was wrong. She must be hallucinating. After all， there are no pubs in the middle of Antarctica. The British explorer was skiing solo across the great frozen continent and had not seen another human being for weeks. “It drove me insane，” said Aston. “It was like I was skiing along a huge row of fish and chips shops， the whole day.” But， she says， she kept wiggling her fingers and toes to check for hypothermia， gritted her teeth and kept going， eventually crossing Antarctica in 59 days—becoming the first woman in the world to make it solo. Despite being a seasoned explorer—Aston previously led a team to the South Pole; raced across Arctic Canada and traversed the inland ice of Greenland —this was her first solo expedition. She says she has never felt so alone.

Being alone in Antarctic means being on a high alert all the time. There is a danger at every step： crevasse fields， whiteouts， sharp-edged grooves and ridges; temperatures below 40℃ and hurricane-speed winds. Among the many physical impacts this environment has on the body—exhaustion， malnutrition， frostbite， cramps， sunburn—one of the most serious is hypothermia. Among polar explorers， hypothermia is known as “the silent killer” because its first symptom is a progressive inability to think clearly， recognize the problem and do something about it. “The first warning signal of hypothermia is abnormal behavior—being very quiet， confused， incoherent，” Aston explained. These are things that other members of an expedition pick up on， but， in a team of one， there’s no one else to raise the red flag. “If you’re alone， you have to make sure that if something goes wrong you can get out of it，” she said. “I had to always make sure that I would be able to put up a tent and look after myself at the end of each day.” That’s why Aston constantly wiggled her fingers， to make sure they weren’t becoming numb， as the inability to use her hands would have been fatal.

Despite the endless physical dangers， Aston says the real challenge is winning the mental battle with solitude. “It became the biggest struggle of the whole trip，” she said. “Every single morning， the first thing that struck me was， ‘Oh my goodness， I can’t do this， I don’t want to be here， I’ve made a terrible mistake.’”

After 40 days， Aston says she started noticing changes. “I realized I would go a whole day and really not think about anything at all. My head was completely empty，” she said. Hallucinations and strange sensations came next. “The sun became really important to me，” she added. During the polar summer， the sun circles in the sky， never going down. It became Aston’s constant companion and she began greeting it in the morning. “This developed into me having full-blown conversations with the sun in my mind，” she added.

While bodily functions don’t make the difference， it’s the attitude that sets men and women apart. Aston says that even the most experienced women tend to suffer from a lack of self confidence and sense of vulnerability. “When I take groups of women out into the cold environment， they are a lot more unsure， their default position is ‘I can’t do this’，” she said. Her job then becomes to convince them about the opposite. With men， it’s different. “Usually they’ll fling themselves at it and their default position is ‘I already know how to do this， I know exactly how to do this’， and it’s a matter of bringing them in and telling them that they need to think more and watch out for certain things.”

After days of skiing alone， in extreme cold， these differences between men and women disappear. Apart from one， which Aston has yet to find a solution to： going to the toilet. “It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever wanted to be a man，” Aston said.

当菲丽希迪·阿斯顿开始闻到鱼和炸薯条的香味时，她知道坏事了。她知道一定是产生幻觉了，毕竟在南极洲的腹地是不可能有酒吧的。这位英国探险家正独自滑雪穿越这块冰冻的大陆，她已经几个星期没有见过任何人了。阿斯顿说：“在一整天的时间里我好像是在滑过一长排炸鱼店和薯条店，这种感觉让我发疯。”她说，她不停地扭动手指和脚趾检查自己是否体温过低，她咬着牙，坚持前进，终于用时59天穿越南极大陆——成为世界上第一位独自滑雪穿越南极洲的女性。尽管作为一名有经验的探险家——阿斯顿曾带领一支探险队到达过南极，穿越过加拿大的北极圈和冰天雪地的格陵兰内陆——但这是她第一次单独探险，她说她从未感到如此孤独。

孤身一人穿越南极意味着时刻需要保持高度的警觉。每前进一步都有危险：可能会遇见冰川裂缝、暂时失明、悬崖峭壁;零下四十摄氏度的气温，风速似飓风的大风。这样的环境带给人体众多影响：疲惫不堪、营养不良、冻伤、痉挛以及皮肤灼伤等，其中最严重的是体温过低症。极地探险家们将体温过低称为“无声杀手”，因为它最初的症状是人思维不清，无法意识正面临的危险并采取相应措施。“体温过低最先的症状是行为异常——人变得非常安静，脑袋迷糊，语无伦次。”阿斯顿解释。如果身在探险队中，这些症状队员互相是会留心的，但当孤身一人时，便没有人会帮你留意。“假如你孤身一人，就得保证出了问题你有办法解决，”她说，“我总是保证自己在每一天结束的时候能搭起帐篷来让自己好好休息。”这也是为什么阿斯顿总是扭动手指，确保手指没有被冻僵，假如她的手出了问题，结果将是致命的。

尽管会遇上数不尽的人身危险，阿斯顿说真正的挑战来自心理上的孤独。“孤独成为整个旅途中最艰巨的斗争。”她说，“每天早上我想到的第一件事是，‘哦天呐，这我做不了，我不想待在这里，我已经犯了一个可怕的错误。’”

四十天之后，阿斯顿开始注意到些变化。“我意识到我会行走一整天而不会有别的想法。那时我的头脑一片空白。”她说，然后幻觉和奇异感随之而来。“太阳对我来说至关重要。”她补充道。极地的夏季，太阳一直在天空中运转，从不会落下。太阳成为阿斯顿的忠实伴侣，她也开始在早晨迎接太阳。“这种习惯使我在心里生出许多话来要对太阳说。”阿斯顿说。

由于身体方面的功能没有很大区别，将男女隊员区分开来的是态度的差异。阿斯顿说即便是最有经验的女性也会感到自信不足和脆弱无助。“当我带着一批女队员进入寒冷的环境当中时，她们会更缺乏信心，她们的先入之见是‘我不行’。”她说。她接下来的工作就是说服她们树立信心。而和男队员在一起时情况就不一样了。“通常他们会去努力尝试，他们通常的想法是‘我已经知道该怎么做，并且知道得很清楚’，所以我只需把他们带来，告诉他们在做某件事时要仔细想一想，要小心。”

在严寒天气独自滑雪几天后，男女队员间的差异已消失，除了一件事。这件事阿斯顿到目前为止还没有找到一个解决方法，那就是上厕所。“这是在我人生当中唯一想当男人的时刻。”阿斯顿说。