达西·利内斯

Each day， 10-year-old Seth asked his mom for more and more lunch money. Yet he seemed skinnier than ever and came home from school hungry. It turned out that Seth was handing his lunch money to a fifth-grader， who was threatening to beat him up if he didnt pay.

Kayla， 13， thought things were going well at her new school， since all the popular girls were being so nice to her. But then she found out that one of them had posted mean rumors about her. Kayla cried herself to sleep that night and started going to the nurses office complaining of a stomachache to avoid the girls in study hall.

In national surveys， most kids and teens say that bullying happens at school.

A bully can turn something like going to the bus stop or recess into a nightmare for kids. Bullying can leave deep emotional scars. And in extreme situations， it can involve violent threats， property damage， or someone getting seriously hurt.

There are ways to help your child cope with teasing， bullying， or mean gossip， and lessen its lasting impact.

Identifying bullying

Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And its not usually harmful when done in a playful， friendly， and mutual way， and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful， unkind， and constant， it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.

Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical， verbal， or psychological ways. It can range from hitting， shoving， name-calling， threats， and mocking to extorting money and possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use social media or electronic messaging to taunt1 others or hurt their feelings.

Its important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to “tough out.” The effects can be serious and affect kids sense of safety and self-worth. In severe cases， bullying has contributed to tragedies， such as suicides and school shootings.

Why kids bully

Kids bully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they pick on2 kids because they need a victim—someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker， or just acts or appears different in some way—to feel more important， popular， or in control. Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims， thats not always the case.

Sometimes kids torment others because thats the way theyve been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry and shouts or calls each other names. Some popular TV shows even seem to promote meanness—people are “voted off，” shunned， or ridiculed for their appearance or lack of talent.

Signs of bullying

Unless your child tells you about bullying—or has visible bruises or injuries—it can be difficult to figure out if its happening.

But there are some warning signs. Parents might notice kids acting differently or seeming anxious， or not eating， sleeping well， or doing the things they usually enjoy. When kids seem moodier or more easily upset than usual， or when they start avoiding certain situations （like taking the bus to school）， it might be because of a bully.

If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up， find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For instance， you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a conversation starter by asking， “What do you think of this？” or “What do you think that person should have done？” This might lead to questions like： “Have you ever seen this happen？” or “Have you ever experienced this？” You might want to talk about any experiences you or another family member had at that age.

Let your kids know that if theyre being bullied or harassed—or see it happening to someone else—its important to talk to someone about it， whether its you， another adult （a teacher， school counselor， or family friend）， or a sibling.

Helping kids

If your child tells you about being bullied， listen calmly and offer comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that its happening， or worry that their parents will be disappointed， upset， angry， or reactive.

Praise your child for doing the right thing by talking to you about it. Remind your child that he or she isnt alone—a lot of people get bullied at some point. Emphasize that its the bully who is behaving badly—not your child. Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together.

Let someone at school （the principal， school nurse， or a counselor or teacher） know about the situation. They are often in a position to monitor and take steps to prevent further problems.

Advice for kids

For some parents， it may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all， youre angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to “stand up for yourself” when you were young. Or you may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the bully， and think that fighting back is the only way to put a bully in his or her place3.

But its important to advise kids not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into violence， trouble， and someone getting injured. Instead， its best to walk away from the situation， hang out with others， and tell an adult.

Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel better：

Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Make sure you have someone with you so that youre not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus， in the hallways， or at recess—wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.

Hold the anger. Its natural to get upset by the bully， but thats what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. Its a useful skill for keeping off of a bullys radar. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a “poker face” until they are clear of any danger （smiling or laughing may provoke the bully）.

Act brave， walk away， and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop， then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks， like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully， youre showing that you dont care. Eventually， the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.

塞斯今年10歲，他向妈妈要的午饭钱一天比一天多，却总饿着肚子回家，人也日渐消瘦。实际情况是，他把午饭钱都给了一个五年级学生，该生威胁说不给钱就揍他。

凯拉今年13岁，本来觉得新学校一切都好，那些受欢迎的女孩都对自己不错，但后来却发现其中有人散布关于她的谣言。那天晚上，凯拉是哭着睡着的，后来就开始装肚子疼跑去医务室，避免在自习室遇到那些女孩。

美国国内调查显示，大多数少年儿童都称存在校园霸凌现象。

霸凌者会把去公交车站或课间休息这样的事演变为孩子们的噩梦。霸凌会造成严重的情感创伤。极端情况下，有可能涉及暴力威胁、财产破坏，甚至造成人员重伤。

以下方法可以帮助孩子应对戏弄、欺凌、谣言等问题，降低持续的不良影响。

何谓霸凌

大多数孩子都曾被兄弟姐妹或朋友戏弄过。如果是闹着玩的、友好的、相互的，两个孩子都觉得有趣，通常是无害的。一旦戏弄变得伤人、不友善并且持续发生，就超越底线演变成为霸凌，必须加以制止。

霸凌是对人进行身体、言语或心理上的蓄意折磨。殴打、推搡、辱骂、威胁、嘲弄以及勒索钱财等都属于霸凌的范畴。有些孩子故意排斥他人，散布有关他们的谣言;还有些通过社交媒体、电子信息等方式辱骂他人、伤害他人感情。这些行为都属于霸凌。

霸凌问题须认真对待，绝不能置之不理，让孩子自己“咬牙坚持”。霸凌可能严重影响孩子的安全感和自我价值感。严重情况下，霸凌曾酿成自杀、校园枪击等惨剧。

为何霸凌

孩子们实施霸凌有各种各样的原因。有时候欺负他人，是因为需要一个受害者，一个看起来情感脆弱或者身体弱小的人，或者只是行为举止在某方面表现不同的人，借此感受自己更重要，更受欢迎，可以掌控他人。有些霸凌者比受害者块头更大、更强壮，但也并非总是如此。

有时候孩子们折磨他人，是因为他们曾遭受同样的折磨。他们可能认为自己的行为是正常的，因为在他们的家庭和所处的环境中，每个人都经常会发怒、大喊大叫、相互辱骂。一些热门电视节目甚至似乎宣扬此类刻薄行为——有人会因颜值不高或缺乏才能而被“投票出局”，遭到孤立或嘲笑。

发现霸凌

除非是孩子告诉你自己遭受了霸凌，或者是身上出现明显的瘀青或伤痕，否则很难判断霸凌是否正在发生。

不过还是有一些迹象能够让我们警醒。家长们可能会注意到孩子的行为有所异常，显得焦虑，吃不好，睡不好，甚至连平时喜欢做的事情也不愿去做。与往常相比，孩子们看起来更加情绪化，更容易心烦意乱，或者开始逃避某些场景（比如乘公交车上学），这就可能是因为霸凌。

如果你怀疑存在霸凌问题，但是孩子不愿意诉说，可以找机会迂回地提及。比如看到电视节目里的一个场景，就可以此为话题切入，问孩子：“你怎么看待这件事情呀？”或者问：“你觉得那个人其实应该怎么做？”这样就可以接着问出一些问题，比如：“你见过这样的事情吗？”或者“你遇到过这样的事情吗？”家长还可以讲讲自己或哪个家人在那个年纪的经历。

要让孩子知道，一旦自己遭到欺辱或骚扰，或目睹这种事发生在别人身上，一定要说出来，可以对家长说，对其他大人（老师、学校辅导员、亲友）说，也可以对兄弟姐妹说。

帮助孩子

如果孩子告诉你遭遇了霸凌，应该冷静地倾听并给予安慰和帮助。孩子们不愿意告诉大人往往是因为觉得尴尬、羞耻，或者害怕父母失望、焦虑、生气或者反应过激。

孩子和家长谈这个问题，是正确的做法，要表扬。要提醒孩子，他/她不是一个人，不少人都曾在某一刻遭遇过霸凌。要强调行为恶劣的是霸凌者而不是孩子。要让孩子安心，保证会和他共同解决这个问题。

应该让学校的工作人员（校长、学校护理员、辅导员或者老师）知情。他们往往有责任监督并采取措施防止事态恶化。

提供建议

有些家长可能很想告诉孩子要对霸凌者以牙还牙。毕竟自家孩子受了欺负，你很生气，而且可能你小时候也学过要“捍卫自己的权利”。家长也可能担心孩子会继续被霸凌者欺负，认为只有反击才是打压霸凌者气焰的唯一出路。

但是，我们要劝告孩子，应对霸凌问题不能以暴制暴，这一点很重要。否则，事情很快就会演变成暴力、骚乱，导致有人受伤。相反，最好的解决方式是避开冲突，与他人结伴而行，同时告诉大人。

可与孩子交流以下策略，帮助他们改善状况，情绪上更积极：

用好朋友圈，避开霸凌者。确保与人结伴而行，避免单独面对霸凌者。不论霸凌者在哪里，在公交车上、走廊里或者课间休息时，都要与朋友一起。主动为朋友做伴。

控制怒火。被霸凌者惹恼是很自然的，但这正是让他们得意的地方。这让他们感觉更加强大。练习做到面对霸凌不哭泣、不露愠色、不显焦虑。这是一个有用的技能，可以使你不会引起霸凌者的注意。有时候，最好的方法是教会孩子保持“扑克脸”直至脱离危险（微笑或大笑都可能激怒霸凌者）。

勇于面对，避免冲突，不理睬霸凌者。态度坚决地明确告诉霸凌者停止霸凌行为，然后避而远之。练习一些无视伤人言辞的方式，比如表现得不感兴趣或者在手机上发短信。通过无视霸凌者，你表现出来的是毫不在意。最终，霸凌者可能会感到无聊而不再纠缠你。

（译者单位：宁波大学）

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