老雅一直都在强调，写好雅思作文要做到思路清晰、语言流畅。很多同学语言基础很好，往往在阅读和听力中取得高分，但写作却老是败走麦城。发生这种情况的原因可能是多种多样的，其中有一个可能被很多同学忽略，那就是没有准确把握题目要求。老雅曾在本专栏专门谈及雅思写作的完整性（见《英语世界》2018年第9期，第112—114页），提醒考生要完整理解雅思考试作文题目的要求，并对其中所有观点给予回应（同意还是不同意）。本期修改老雅拟用一篇学生习作为例，说明好作文最基本的前提是准确把握题目要求。

题目

Some countries achieve international sporting success by building specialized facilities to train top athletes instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think it is a positive or negative development？

学生习作

In order to achieve success in international sports games， some countries put great investment for the top athletes rather than the individuals. However， whether this policy can bring optimistic effects to people has been a controversial issue. In my view， specialized facilities for excellent athletes can have positive impacts on sports industry.

To begin with， focusing on specialized facilities can be beneficial to sports development of many nations. This is because international sporting success always mainly relies on the top athletes， and only professional training and specialized facilities can inspire potential abilities， helping them perform well in the global competitions. Meanwhile， it will attract public’s attention correspondingly， and then encourage them to participate in the sports. For example， Yao Ming achieved great success in National Basketball Association， which stimulated massive interest in playing basketball for most ages people in China. According to official statistics， there are approximately two million basketball player. As a result， this kind of sports has been the most popular activity in this country. Therefore， personal success can facilitate the sports development of a country.

In contrast， it is also true that government should provide ordinary people with access to sports facilities. Basically， with the improvement of living standard nowadays， individuals lay more emphasis on outdoor sports rather than work only. Hence， the administration should not neglect the needs of citizens， and build more public facilities for them because countries offer specialized facilities with public money.

In conclusion， specialized facilities are essential for top athletes to fight for honor in the international events. In addition， the nations should also not ignore the demands of individuals for sports.

評分：6

总评：具有用英语表达思想的能力，也具有一定的逻辑思考能力。文章有连贯性，词汇不错，语法也比较正确（但有相当多的小错误）。本文的最大问题是结构不够合理，段落长短分配不合理，对题目中观点的回应不够准确完整，尤其是没有充分回应“不为大众提供体育设施”这个部分（没有针对这个部分表达自己的观点和论证）。

逐句修改

第1段：In order to achieve success in international sports games， some countries put great investment for the top athletes rather than the individuals. However， whether this policy can bring optimistic effects to people has been a controversial issue. In my view， specialized facilities for excellent athletes can have positive impacts on sports industry.

【老雅修改】In order to achieve success in international sports games， some countries spend a great deal of budget on specialized facilities for top athletes rather than on the sports facilities for the general public. In my view， while this practice will bring some short-term positive benefits to the sports industry， it will also cause many problems.

【老雅點评】1. 从作文后面的讨论来看，本文并不是完全赞同题目中的观点，而是一个双边讨论的结构，因此，在第一段的结尾不宜如此明确地支持一方观点。修改文用while…来引导双方观点。2. “However， whether this policy can bring optimistic effects to people has been a controversial issue.”这句话是典型的模板，对上下文没有任何贡献，反而可能被考官认定为模板而导致丢分，建议删除。3. “put great investment for…”是不准确的表达法。

第2段：To begin with， focusing on specialized facilities can be beneficial to sports development of many nations. This is because international sporting success always mainly relies on the top athletes， and only professional training and specialized facilities can inspire potential abilities， helping them perform well in the global competitions. Meanwhile， it will attract public’s attention correspondingly， and then encourage them to participate in the sports. For example， Yao Ming achieved great success in National Basketball Association， which stimulated massive interest in playing basketball for most ages people in China. According to official statistics， there are approximately two million basketball player. As a result， this kind of sports has been the most popular activity in this country. Therefore， personal success can facilitate the sports development of a country.

【老雅修改】To begin with， providing specialized facilities for top athletes can be beneficial to the overall sports development of a nation. This is because international sporting success always relies on the top athletes， and the professional training and specialized facilities can help them perform well in the global competitions. The gold medals they win， in turn， will attract the attention of the general public， especially the young people， and encourage them to participate in sports. For example， Yao Ming’s great success in National Basketball Association has stimulated massive interest in basketball in China and according to official statistics， has drawn approximately two million Chinese people to the basketball court， making basketball the most popular sports in this country.

【老雅点评】1. 本段论证思路问题不大：先给出主题句，然后解释主题句，最后提供一个恰当的例子。修改文仅仅调整了一些语句，使行文更加简洁、流畅、准确。2. focusing on specialized facilities不准确，应该是providing specialized facilities。3. inspire potential abilities搭配不恰当，对这类没有把握的表达，建议谨慎使用，或者放弃不用。4. meanwhile这个连接词使用不恰当。这里的逻辑是：specialized facilities可以帮助top athletes在国际比赛中成功，而这反过来会促进一个国家的体育产业，而不是这同时会促进一个国家的体育产业。也就是说，运动员的成功与国家体育产业的发展不是并列关系，而是因果关系，因此连接词应该是in turn， 不是meanwhile。5. 本段用姚明的例子来证明一个运动员的成功可以带动整个体育产业，这是很恰当的。但习作中，这个举例共占用了三句话，显得比较零碎。雅思高分作文的举例一般用高度浓缩的1-2句。6. 本段已经很长，最后一句段落summary可以删除。

第3段：In contrast， it is also true that government should provide ordinary people with access to sports facilities. Basically， with the improvement of living standard nowadays， individuals lay more emphasis on outdoor sports rather than work only. Hence， the administration should not neglect the needs of citizens， and build more public facilities for them because countries offer specialized facilities with public money.

【老雅修改】 However， the benefits gained from the success of top athletes may be reduced if there are not enough sports facilities for the general public. Take Yao Ming again for example. When thousands of youngsters are inspired by his success and feel the need to play basketball， only to find that they do not have a basketball court， then， what is the use of Yao Ming’s success？ Meanwhile， without millions of people playing basketball， the chances of a country finding a basketball star like Yao Ming would be very small. For these reasons， the government should try to provide adequate sports facilities for the public， not just for the few top players.

【老雅点评】1. 本段应该对题目中的“不给大众提供足够运动设施”进行回应：如果大众没有运动设施，即使受到顶级运动员的鼓舞，也没有办法参加运动;同时，没有大众参与运动，出现顶级运动员的机会也很小。因此，给大众提供运动设施非常重要。遗憾的是，习作仅仅提出“政府应该给大众提供运动设施，因为随着生活水平的提高，人们更强调户外运动了”。这个回应没有准确抓住题目的要求，没有分析“不给大众提供足够运动设施”可能带来的问题。2. the administration的意思是“当局”，比如Obama administration、Trump administration，是一个政治学概念，用在这里不合适。3. countries offer specialized facilities with public money表达不清，是雅思写作中应该极力避免的大错误。

第4段：In conclusion， specialized facilities are essential for top athletes to fight for honor in the international events. In addition， the nations should also not ignore the demands of individuals for sports.

【老雅修改】 In conclusion， providing specialized facilities for top players enables them to win honor in international events and promote a country’s sports industry， but enough sports facilities for all people are also important. After all， what really matters is the health of all people， rather than the success of a few top athletes.

【老雅點评】习作结尾相当weak。首先，这个结尾没有突出“体育产业”，而“体育产业”恰恰是习作第2段的核心词汇。其次，习作采取的是双边讨论结构，应该在结尾体现出自己的观点或倾向，但本习作仅仅指出提供专业设施和满足大众需求都重要，而没有自己明确的观点。修改文则突出了为大众提供运动设施的重要性，因为“最重要的是所有人的健康，而不是个别顶级运动员的成功”。

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