B Y T E R E N C E H S I E H (谢燕辉)

THE LAST CUP THE DAORKFER SIDE OF DRINKING

B Y T E R E N C E H S I E H (谢燕辉)

“面对酒精，我们已经失去自制力”—— 探访北京嗜酒者互诫协会

In the myriad of factions that make up the growing melting pot that is Beijing, there is a special group of people who see life through a different lens. Some of them work in business; others are teachers, bankers, managers, mothers, fathers or students. Their Beijing website is a shoddily-managed monochromatic page stamped with the symbolic logo of a triangle inside a square: recovery, unity and service. They are, to each other, both a source of protection as well a reminder of what they struggle against daily.

For members of Alcoholics Anonymous in Beijing, and their counterparts around the country, managing daily life is more than just a struggle against addiction, it is a clash of two different cultures: one that generally recognizes alcoholism as a disease and another that is composed of thousands of years of traditions involving ritual consumption,symbolic meaning and production.

There is somewhat of a clash of ideals in trying to portray the stories and frustrations of AA members here in Beijing. As an organization that values secrecy, AA members in Beijing are understandably nervous about having a journalist on site—especially one with a camera. Sharing their personal troubles, turmoil and pain is a difficult task, made even harder when the veil of privacy that protects their livelihoods is threatened by a strange reporter. At the request of these individuals, all names have been altered to protect their anonymity. What remains are stories of those struggling to stay sober in a country that has an incredibly deep and long-running history of alcohol.

A QUIET STRUGGLE

Anton is a reserved, polite young man. I found him sitting on the floor outside the AA clubhouse room, disheveled and anxiously shuffling through a stack of HSK study books.

Anton carries himself with an earnestness and candor that can only come from someone who has hit absolute rock bottom—someone who has realized that living to see another day isn’t a given. As we shook hands and others filtered into the small, chapel-like room, I came to notice that everyone carried themselves with that same warmth of personality, the way one might imagine war time squadmates and brothers in arms meeting after years apart. Anton, William, Kirk, Mason, Andrew, Tatiana—soon there were nearly twenty people. Some milled about, while others put on a pot of coffee and quietly chatted in the kitchen. The walls of the AA clubhouse were sparsely decorated, save for a few simple posters: “This too, shall pass”, “Let go, Let God” and their Chinese equivalents “一切都会过去”(yíqiè dōu huì guòqu), “放下执着, 顺其自然”(fàngxià zhízhuó, shùn qí zìrán). The messages are simple and transcendent. AA is a non-religious organization, and while religious terminology specific to Christianity can be found in its texts, members are encouraged to reinterpret the text to fit their own lives: Atheists read “God” as G.O.D. or Grand-Ol’-Drunks. At the Chinese AA fellowship, God is replaced with “Higher Being” or 上苍 (shàngcāng).

“AA is designed to help the most pessimistic, narcissistic people out there—the ones who refuse to believe that anyone else can understand what they’re going through,” said Kirk. “So we don’t push any belief system on anyone. We’re a spiritual organization. No religion.”

A bell rings, and everyone knows the procedure: the preamble is read, as are the Twelve Steps, the basic tenants of AA that every member knows well. There are moments of silence, deep gaps that allow everyone to marinate in the feelings of anxiety, craving and, quite possibly, pain, that are welling up inside them. It is evident in their faces. Anton raises his head. “Hi, I’m Anton, and I’m an alcoholic.”

THIS IS THE GREATEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE FOREIGN AND CHINESE AA MEETINGS—FOR THESE CHINESE, FAMILIAL TROUBLES START AFTER ATTAINING SOBRIETY

“Hi Anton,” the room replies.

Just a few days ago, Anton was sitting in a Starbucks in one of Beijing’s smaller neighboring cities. As one of just a handful of foreigners in the entire city, his attention was immediately drawn to the tall, European man in the corner; attached to his arm was a young, attractive Chinese woman. For Anton, this was a point of jealousy and annoyance:“When living in a place as small and isolated as China’s third-tier cities, you start to notice all those annoying little, small things,” he said, nervously fidgeting with the bundle of books in his arms. Having recently broken up with his girlfriend, his anger boiled over: “Why can’t I ever get on with super attractive Chinese girls?”

For most people, struggling with such thoughts doesn’t usually lead them down any particular path, but for Anton, the next thought that crossed his mind was one that he had come to know and realize as the first slip towards something far more sinister and dominating. The thought is: “I need a drink.”

Anton immediately got on the next train to Beijing, where I would find him sitting in a corner of the dark hall.

“That was scary,” he bit his lip and shivered. “I just needed to get back here and to go back to square one.”

THE 12 STEPS

The 12 steps constitute the process that the members of AA use to help themselves stay sober. While religious terminology may be mentioned, members encourage beginners of the process to liberally interpret these principles. The length of time it takes for someone to complete can vary from person to person—some take days, others take years.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

第一步 ：我们承认，面对酒精，我们已经失去自制力，它使我们的生活变得一塌糊涂。

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

第二步：我们自己开始认识到，有一种超越我们自身的力量，它能够让我们恢复理智。

ALCOHOLISM IN CHINA

While the Beijing AA fellowship is open to all members, the group tends to split into multiple different meetings, for language purposes. Although their formats are similar, there are some major differences in the subject matter.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

第三步：下定决心，将我们的愿望和生活托付给我们各自信奉的“上苍”照管

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

第四步：做一次彻底和勇敢的自我品德上的检讨。

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

第五步：向“上苍”、向自己、向他人承认自己错误的实质。

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

第六步：做好让“上苍”除掉我们性格中一切弱点的准备。

The greatest difference between the Chineselanguage and English-language fellowships is the societal misunderstanding that surrounds their members’ disease and condition. For the most part in China, alcoholism is considered a non-issue: a straw poll on the street will reveal that while most people understand narcotic addictions, they believe alcoholism only affects foreigners. While this may be a stunning fact, differentiating true alcoholics from weeknight office-party drinkers is difficult because Chinese culture has such a deeply-imbedded history with alcohol. Intoxication is often socially-mandated and carries little stigma of negativity. With no minimum drinking age in China, people begin drinking as early as 12 years of age. This innate cultural clash brings about an entirely new level of discrimination and pain that largely doesn’t exist in most Western countries. Because of these social pressures, Chinese AA fellows tend to be in a far worse condition when first attending AA.

Sandy is a tall, skinny Chinese woman. She smiles more and laughs louder than anyone else in the room. Sandy had her first drink as a young girl as a result of academic pressure, stealing her father’s baijiu. Drinking alone turned into socially-acceptable drinking, which turned into a deeply-rooted alcohol dependency and a monumental plummet in her finances and social life. Sandy found herself standing on the ledge of a hotel, contemplating suicide.

“My grandfather died from alcohol. As I stood there on the ledge, I just wanted to die—to have the same sweet release that he must have had.”The room laughed, notbecause it was funny, but because everyone knew exactly what that was like. This happens a lot at AA meetings. Things that may sound grim or even grotesque usually elicit laughter, but this is how fellows acknowledge and process the things they have done. Often, the harder the laughter, the grimmer the subject.

If there is one commonality that stands out from every story in the Chinese fellowship, it is the shattering of family relationships as a result of the decision to quit drinking that breaks the heart. Even after joining AA and sobering up, the troubles did not stop for Sandy and her other Chinese fellows: their stories detailed the incredulity and anger of relatives for refusing to partake in alcohol-related activities. This is the greatest difference between the foreign and Chinese AA meetings—for these Chinese, familial troubles start after attaining sobriety.

Wang recounted how angry his father was for refusing a drink of baijiu: “You just have no self-control. How can you not just take one sip!?” For Wang and many of his fellows, their efforts to stay sober have resulted in permanently damaged familial relations: fathers refuse to acknowledge daughters and sons or disavow them altogether, and mothers angrily call to pepper them with “advice”and insults. Wang’s and many other stories highlight just how deeply-rooted conservative drinking culture is in China and how difficult it is for the Chinese to accept the concept of alcoholism as a disease. While AA is growing in China, they face inordinate discrimination at home, school and work for choosing to stay sober.

STILL, EVEN WITH CHINESE RESISTANCE TO FAMILIARIZATION WITH ALCOHOLISM, AA IN CHINA HAS GROWN SUBSTANTIALLY SINCE ITS ESTABLISHMENT IN THE MID 90S

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

第七步：请求“上苍”除掉我们的缺点。

8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

第八步：列出曾经受到我们伤害的人的姓名，自觉向每一个人承认错误

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

第九步：在不伤害他们的前提下，尽可能向曾经受到我们伤害的人士当面认错。

Just like in the Chinese home, refusing a drink in a business setting is often taken as an insult and is unrelentingly forced. Even after getting sober and moving to China, William often found himself in business functions where the alcohol flowed faster than water. “Even after I’d gotten sober, I’d find myself sitting at a big business banquet and out comes the baijiu and beer and I’d be so stressed. So many times, I came so close to cracking.” Refusing to imbibe in business settings is often taken as an insult, and thus has always been a harsh reality of the alcoholic’s life in China. No matter what profession, forced consumption of alcohol always surrounds the after-hours gatherings of any school, company or organization, a fact that the recovering members of AA are made even more acutely aware of due to their condition. “You just have to say NO,” William asserted, striking his hand across his body with an air of finality.

Still, even with Chinese resistance to familiarization with alcoholism, AA in China hasgrown substantially since its establishment in the mid 90s. In the summer of 2000, Beijing chapter members raised enough funding to send a group of Chinese doctors to the 11th international convention in Minneapolis. Their efforts resulted in the creation of institutionalized AA programs in hospitals in large cities, namely Chengdu, Beijing and Shanghai. According to China Daily, these programs are usually integrated within the hospital’s psychopharmacology or substance dependence wards, and the therapy sessions are used in combination with a range of chemical and psychiatric treatments. While these institutions have begun to help bring the issue of alcoholism to light, their work is more than cut out for them. As far back as 1992, researchers at Chongqing First Psychiatric Hospital have been pointing to tenfold increases in alcoholism diagnoses in hospital admissions.

MOVING FORWARD

Back at the AA meeting, everyone stands; all move forward into a circle and join hands in prayer.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.”

To these people, such words carry so much more than a mere chant. They are a plea, a symbol of prostration to a higher power to guide them past their own misgivings and flaws. The ease with which they recount their stories reveals so little of the nearly-insurmountable process it took to tell them. For many, it is impossible to even imagine having to come to terms with the fact that, when it comes to certain things, you are literally not in control of yourself: that is the underlying presumption of every member in the room—that they not only cannot control their own bodies, but cannot make their own choices under certain circumstances. Such a fundamentally existential problem might render most eternal narcissists, but the members of AA Beijing share a weary optimism and deep spirituality that uplifts even the most casual observer.

If there is one thing that binds all these people together, it is their shared existence in the here and now. Whether they are sharing the joy of renewing their vigor for remaining sober, their sense of nostalgia for the bottled release they yearn for, or the communal reverence for the great crises through which each of them have passed, their stories convey how deeplyentrenched they are in the thoughts, emotions and feelings of the present. They are open, willing to share their struggles and equally willing to receive the struggles of others, but they expect nothing in return, a unique and symbolic paradox of the lives they lead, whether in China or further abroad. For Anton, William, Kirk, Mason, Sandy, Wang, Andrew and Tatiana and all the other members of Alcoholics Anonymous, they recognize that, while they are alone in their eternal existential struggle against themselves, they are alone, together.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

第十步：不断地检讨自己，只要做错了事，就立即承认。

第十一步：通过默祷和反省，增强与我们所认识的“上苍”进行的交流，为的是理解他对我们的教导，并获得遵照他们的教导去做的力量。

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

第十二步：在实行这些步骤并获得思想上的觉醒后，设法将这一信息传达给其他嗜酒成瘾者，并在一切日常事务中贯彻这些原则。