MISHMASH

SQUARE DANCE INFESTATION

In late March, an ominous message rang out through Songtai Square in Wenzhou: “Please comply with the law of the People's Republic of China on Prevention and Control of Pollution from Environmental Noises and stop this unlawful activity right now!” Were they a rioting mob of club kids? Angry protestors? No, they were square dancers. Largely a pastime for the elderly, square dancing is found everywhere in China, and it can get a little noisy. One of the key components to square dancing is “calling” the steps, which means it needs to be loud enough for everyone to hear. In short, nearby Wenzhou neighbors had had enough. The site near their homes was a popular square dancing spot, where up to 20 groups of square dancers would dance their cares away. Angry with this nightly hoedown, residents pooled their money together, spending 260,000 RMB on a set of powerful speakers to drive the square dancers away. Their equipment consisted of a long-distance, directional public address system that is usually used for military command purposes, not regular, private use. For now, the square dance infestation seems to be squashed, but keep a weather eye on the horizon for any do-si-do-ers in your area. - ZHU MENG (朱梦)

NOODLE ADDICT MAKES GOOD

Instant noodles make for a pretty odd hobby, but a noodle obsession led one lucky student to a spot at an American university. Wang, a senior high school student from Fujian, is especially fond of instant noodles, some might say unnaturally fond; he has tried every type of instant noodle from around the world. When applying to study abroad, he included this special experience in his personal statement, and his peculiar enthusiasm paid off. The admission notice from the University of Rochester said:“The counselors recommended that you be admitted in part after reading about your enthusiasm for ramen noodles. The committee and I are confident you will both stand out and grow stronger as part of the Rochester family.” Of course, this was all part of Wang's master plan. Thousands of Chinese students apply for schools in the US with good grades, but very few with an overpowering noodle fixation. Wang admitted his noodle addiction was a tactic for grabbing attention. So, this is a lesson to all the wannabe students looking for a spot in US universities: it's not about the grades or even the absurd amounts of money Chinese parents pump into an overseas education; no, it's all about the 泡面 (instant noodles). - Z.M.

TOO COLD TO DIE

It was a long, cold night for the police officers of Huaxi Police Department, Chongqing. They received a call at midnight from a panicked woman saying her husband had jumped into the Huaxi River after they had a fight. Driving home, the husband accused his wife of adultery and a blazing row ensued. The furious husband stopped the car, jumped out, took off his shoes, declared that he was committing suicide and ran off. His wife chased after him, only to hear a splash and her husband nowhere to be found. Police arrived and set about looking for him. Judging from footprints on the river bank, they concluded that the man had jumped to his doom. The husband's brother and mother arrived later, only to hear the terrible news. But the tearful sibling insisted his brother was a strong swimmer and they kept searching. Curiously, at 4 am odd water marks were found on the river bank, and police posited that the man had climbed ashore. So, the brother led the officers to the man's house and found him in bed sleeping soundly. Evidently, the man, fully intent on suicide, had his survival mechanism triggered upon hitting the icy water and climbed out of the river and went home. Of course, he might have just gotten cold feet. - Z.M.

MONKEY SELLS MONK MEAT

The well-known legend of the Monkey King has been favored by film, TV, and books, but now the grand trickster is garnering a new reputation. In March, a vendor at the Huazhao Festival in Wuhan cooked up a storm at his stall by dressing up as the Monkey King and selling off cooked chunks of the Tang Monk. Accompanied by billboards of the legend's main characters beside him, the vendor's slogan read: “Tang Monk Meat” (唐僧肉). The Monkey King selling the flesh of his master caused a bit of a stir and a few questions, not least, what exactly was the meat? Traditionally the protector of the monk, it seemed the troublesome trickster had finally had enough with the monk's penchant for getting into danger and sold him out—literally, bit by bit. The vendor's stall was crowded by curious monk eaters, largely due to the stall's oddness but also because the mythical monk's flesh is purported to hold the secret to immortality. Thus ends the tale of the great Tang Monk, who was chased throughout the nation on a mission to bring Buddhist texts from the West, ending his journey on the end of a stick at a Wuhan food stall. - Z.M.