（but you probably won’t like them）

Ayi， help！ There’s a weird object floating in the sky， not far from my window， and giving off this faint purple light. What if it’s the aliens coming to get me？

Tommy Cannot Sleep

Oh give me a break， you 自恋狂 （zìliànkuáng， narcissist）！ What do the aliens want you for， you 胆小鬼 （dǎnxiǎoguǐ， scaredy-cat）？ If they’re here for some earthly 智慧 （zhìhuì， wisdom）， they would’ve come for me first. I’ve been all over China with my 退休旅行团 （tuìxiū lǚxíngtuán， retiree travel group）; I’d love to check out some 外太空 （wàitàikōng， outer space）！ What happened to your 求知欲 （qiúzhīyù， desire for knowledge） and 探索欲 （tànsuǒyù， desire to explore）， you 井底之蛙 （jǐngdǐzhīwā， “frog at the bottom of the well，” short-sighted person）？ But before I get your hopes up， are you sure it’s not a kite？ I heard kitemakers are very 厉害 （lìhai， impressive） nowadays. I even saw an 埃及艳后 （Āijí Yànhòu， Cleopatra） kite once， and thought I was 做梦 （zuòmèng， dreaming）. You should 看看清楚 （kànkan qīngchu， take a close look）. 别被耍了 （bié bèi shuǎ le， don’t get fooled）， you 蠢蛋 （chǔndàn， dumbass）！

Milk tea is so delicious， but I’ve been having two a day！ Do I have a problem？

Sweet-Tooth Bob

Ah， another one of you without any 自制力 （zìzhìlì， self control）！ How’s your 体重 （tǐzhòng， weight） looking？ Those 健身教练 （jiànshēn jiàoliàn， fitness coaches） in the street are gonna come up to shame you into 办卡 （bànkǎ， sign up for membership） in no time！ Milk teas are just so 不上档次 （bú shàng dàngcì， having no class）. You know what 有钱人 （yǒuqiánrén， rich people） drink nowadays？ Home brewed 低糖恐怖茶 （dītáng kǒngbùchá， low-sugar “scary tea”）—or is it 康普茶 （kāngpǔchá， kombucha）？—or 进口燕麦奶 （jìnkǒu yànmàinǎi， imported oat milk） and 八二年的拉菲 （bā’èr nián de Lāfēi， “1982 vintage Château Lafite-Rothschild，” a stereotypical expensive red wine）. Your obsession with milk tea is probably just because your life is too 空虚 （kōngxū， empty） that you need these 没深度的 （méi shēndù de， shallow） pleasures to get by， just like my husband with his 白酒 （báijiǔ， rice liquor） and gambling！ I’m not trying to 吓唬 （xiàhu， scare） you， but if you don’t quit your milk tea 瘾 （yǐn， addiction）， you’ll end up a 沒出息的 （méi chūxī de， loser） guy just like him. Enough. I’m going back to sip on my healthy 豆汁儿 （dòuzhīr， fermented bean juice）， and let you 好好反省 （hǎohǎo fǎnxǐng， truly reflect on yourself）.

– Illustration and design by Cai Tao and Gao Fei

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