On January 24,2020,Chinese New Year’s Eve,I had my first COVID-19 patient,who was delivered by an ambulance escorted by a police car.

He looked utterly different from any of my previous patients.He wore a mask,so I couldn’t see his face entirely,but a pair of glasses hanging at the end of his nose,and a slightly bald head.Besides the furrowed brow,which showed that something had been weighing on his mind,there was nothing special about him.

He grabbed his backpack and got off the ambulance in a daze,as if being woken up during sleep on the way home,yet found out himself end up in a place he didn’t know.Reading through his file,his surname,Wan caught my eye,along with his seniority over me,age-wise,so I called him “Old Wan.”

Friend rather than patient

At the isolation ward,I had to run some routine examinations on Old Wan.When taking his temperature the nurse was visibly shaken,so I offered to do it for her.

I tried to take his temperature with an infrared thermometer,but it was difficult to move my hands in the double-layer gloves we were wearing.It made me hit the wrong button by accident,causing the thermometer to switch off and on again.I apologized for my clumsiness,and chatted with him while taking his temperature,“How do you feel?” I asked.

Old Wan looked up at me with an expression of bewilderment.There was a bloated,uncomfortable pause before he finally answered,“You’re not scared of me?”

I pointed at my protective suit and said,“Look what I’m wearing.Why would I be scared of you? But what about you? You’re not scared of me dressed this way?”

Old Wan’s ears twitched and he managed a faint smile.“I really appreciate this.Since I was diagnosed with the disease,you’re the first person who has come this close to me.”

Because of his infection,Old Wan became devoid of contact with the outside world,and no one dared to be around him.This was true,inescapable isolation,like being locked up in a cage.In the blink of an eye he went from being a normal,healthy person to a confirmed COVID-19 case,tracked down and isolated in a tiny room just after a small fever.From then on,he couldn’t step outside the door or see anyone.Such sudden isolation without any buffering or transitional period was hard for anyone to be mentally prepared and accept.During the quarantine,no one had ever entered Old Wan’s room or talked to him.Thinking of it,I patted him on the shoulder and said,“Listen,don’t worry.Now you’re here,just regard me as your friend.”

我接诊的第一位新冠肺炎患者，是警车开道送来的。那是2020年1月24日，除夕。

他跟我这些年见到的病人完全不一样：他戴着口罩，看不清面容，我只能看到他口罩上方的鼻梁上架着一副眼镜，头顶有点秃。除了紧缩的眉头能让人感觉出他心事很重，他看上去再普通不过。

他拿着一个背包，自己走下救护车,像是回家路上突然被叫醒，却发现自己到了一个并不认识的地方。资料上写他姓万，比我大一点，我就喊他“老万”。

和患者做朋友

进到隔离病房，我需要给老万做一些基础的检查。量体温的时候，护士有些紧张，我说：“我来吧。”

我们用的是红外线感应的体温枪，但是戴着两层手套，手特别不灵活，我一不小心按错了按钮，体温枪关机又开机。我说实在不好意思，操作还不是特别熟练。然后一边测体温，一边趁机和老万说话：“你感觉怎么样？”

老万抬起头，眼神明显错愕了一下，定定地看着我，开口说了第一句话：“你不怕我吗？”

我指了指防护服，说：“我穿着这些还怕你吗？倒是你，你看我这样，不害怕吗？”

老万挂着口罩的耳朵动了动，也许是挤出了一个笑：“我很感谢您，被确诊以来，您是跟我说话离得最近的人。”

因为得病，老万没法跟别人接触，别人也不敢跟他接触，这是非常真实、无法逃避的“被隔离”，被关进笼子的感觉。忽然从一个正常人变成因疫情而被追踪的确诊病人，这个角色转变来得太快了。从老万的感受来说，他只是有点发热，却忽然被隔离在一个小屋子里，不能出去半步，谁都见不到。没有缓冲，没有过渡，发现了就被控制了，心里其实很难一下接受。而被隔离的这些天里，可能也没有人进过老万的小屋子，跟他说说话。想到这儿，我拍拍他的肩膀说：“老万，你不用担心，来到这里咱就是朋友了。”

我问老万，关于这个病他知道多少。老万的表情很茫然，说他也不是很了解，只知道这个病的传染性特别强，跟当年的“非典”很像。

我说：“你说对了，是跟‘非典’很像，但是当年我们面对‘非典’的时候，防护措施是12 层口罩和传说中的‘板蓝根冲剂’，今天和当年可不一样了。”

“对于这个疾病，你比我了解得多，”我坦率地告诉老万，“你知道它有什么症状，知道自己是什么感受，你知道你的身体里发生着怎样的变化。而我没有见过，更没有得过，你是我的‘第一例’。说实话，现在我没有什么切实有效的治疗方案，请你理解，但是也请你相信我，我会和你一起面对它，好吗？”

When I asked Old Wan how much he knew about the novel coronavirus,he looked very puzzled,saying that he only knew it was highly infectious,just like SARS years ago.

“You’re right.They’re similar.But when SARS was around back in the day,wearing a 12-layer surgical mask and drinking liquid radix isatidis could provide pretty good protection.But this disease is much tougher,” I said.

“You know more about it than me,” I told Old Wan frankly,“because you know what symptoms it can cause,and you know how it feels and what kind of changes have taken place inside your body.But I’ve never seen the disease before,and I’ve never had it before.You’re my first COVID-19 patient.To be honest,I don’t have any practical treatment plan at the moment.Please try to understand,but trust me,I’ll fight it with you,okay?”

I knew that it was risky for a doctor to say something like this to a patient,as it was like admitting his “ignorance.” But from the moment I took on Old Wan’s case,I didn’t want to treat him as a patient,but as a friend.And I intended to keep it that way.

Never give up hope

Ten days ago,when the infectious disease ward was under construction,I would stand outside the window of the isolation ward,pondering: What if it were me who had the disease?How would I feel? And what would I need?

At times like this,the most comforting thing would be to have a friend to talk to.

It was difficult to tell each other apart under the heavy protective suits,so we all marked our suits as a means of identification.I wrote my name on the left position of my chest,with a red heart drawn outside,and on the right,I wrote a message for Old Wan that read:“Don’t be afraid! I’m with you!”

Such an unprecedented event left us scrambling for the right treatments.But that didn’t stop us from communicating with confirmed patients every step of the way,and working to build trust with them under the extremely trying conditions.We had no choice but to just feel our way through it and take what came one day at a time.

“At this point,no one in China knows much about the disease.My focus is on the medications and treatments,and you have first-hand experience,so if you tell me about your feelings,we can work together to deal with the disease.And then you won’t feel like you’re going through hell all alone,” I told Old Wan reassuringly.

When I finished,I didn’t see any sorrow or sadness in Old Wan’s eyes.Instead,he began to talk about how he was diagnosed,how he felt,and his symptoms.

“Old Wan,you can see that I don’t regard you as just a patient.Right?”

“Yes,” Old Wan said,staring at me.

No one knew the definite stages or developmental cycles of the disease at that point,so the patients’ state of mind kept changing every minute,and their fear and anxiety would increase with each passing day in the isolation ward.

Old Wan kept asking as treatments progressed,“How is my test result today?” “How is my chest x-ray?” or “Any good treatment plan?” And once he even said,“If there are any new treatments that you’re afraid to use,try them on me!”

The mental health of confirmed cases like Old Wan’s was most likely to be neglected in the prevention and control of the epidemic.The primary source of their mental and emotional stress came from the sorrow they felt towards their families.If anyone in the household was diagnosed with the disease,the whole family would have to be quarantined.They had been separated from their families from the moment their disease was discovered and we health practitioners became the only people they could see from day to day.

我也知道，说出“我也不了解，我们一起面对”这样的话，其实很冒险，相当于在自己的病人面前袒露自己“不知道”。但从我接诊老万的那一刻起，我就没有把他当成病人，而是想和他做朋友。这是我有意为之的。

最重要的是希望

10 天前，病区筹建的时候，我站在隔离病房那扇窗户外面无数次设想过：如果我得了这个病，我是什么状态？我是什么心情？我需要什么？

一个可以说话的朋友，或许在这样的时刻最能给我安慰。

因为穿着防护服，彼此都看不出样子，医护人员会在各自的防护服上做标记。我在胸口左边写了自己的名字，又画上一颗红色的爱心，右边写了一句对老万说的话：别怕，我跟你在一起。

特殊时期，不光治疗手段需要试，连沟通方式，怎样面对确诊病人，怎样在这样的环境下和病人建立信任，都需要一点点摸索。

“现在全国对这个疾病都不是特别了解，我关注的可能是药物、治疗手段层面的东西，而你有切实体会，你把你的感受告诉我，我们就可以一起去面对这个事，就没那么可怕了。”

当我说完这些话的时候，我并没有在老万的眼神中看到遗憾或悲伤。老万反而打开了话匣子，慢慢讲他是怎么确诊的，说他的感受，他的症状。

“老万，我没有把你当成一个病人，你能理解这句话的意思吗？”

老万定定地看着我，说：“我明白。”

对于这个疾病的进展，谁也不知道明确的阶段或者说周期，但是病人的心理状态每分每秒都在变化，随着隔离时间的延长，一天一天，恐惧、焦虑都会加重。

治疗过程中，老万会不停地问：“今天我的化验结果怎么样？”“我肺的片子拍得怎么样？”“有没有什么好的治疗方案？”他甚至说：“有没有新的治疗方案，你不敢在别人身上用的，可以给我试试！”

疫情防控中最容易被忽视的问题，就是像老万这样的确诊患者的心理问题。他们的压力主要来自对家人的愧疚，一人确诊，全家都要被隔离。这个过程中，他们见不到家人，我们就是他们每天能够见到的唯一对象。

每次跟老万聊天，我都会格外留意老万的反应，从他的反应判断他的状态。我需要的并不是他听我的，或是信我的，我需要他参与进来。我教老万看他的化验结果，给他讲解CT 影像怎样看：“你看你原有的病灶现在都已经缩小一部分了，这说明，我们在一步一步走向胜利！”

CT 影像的前后对比，一点点细微的变化，我都指给他看。只有他动起来了，把精力放在我说的话上，他才不那么容易胡思乱想，心理压力也会小些。

其实，感染性疾病的康复主要得靠病人自身的免疫系统，用药只是抑制病毒的繁殖，并不能将其杀灭。所以说人很重要，自己很重要。而对这些被隔离的人来说，最重要的莫过于希望。

互相支撑

有一天，我发现老万特别烦躁，一见到我就像是抓到了救命稻草，着急地说：“您能帮我个忙吗？”

我赶紧问怎么了。他说：“现在我确诊了，我父亲也被强制隔离了，我父亲80 多岁的人了，生活不能自理，脾气又倔，我这实在是没办法了……”

老万听说父亲一直抗拒隔离，特别不配合，因此非常担心。

我抱着试试看的心态打电话给疾控中心，说明了情况。疾控中心很重视老万的情况，答应尽量协调。第二天，老万的家人就过去照顾老万的父亲。当天下午，老万父亲的咽拭子核酸检测显示阴性，被获准居家隔离。

我把这个好消息告诉老万。老万的脸被口罩遮盖，但露在外面的那双眼睛热切地看着我，眼圈渐渐红了。老万没说话，却主动握了握我的手。

当天晚上，同事们都去清洁区吃饭了，病区里的病人都睡觉了，我一个人在隔离病区值班。只是值班而已，却几乎是我人生中最难熬的一个小时。

白天，我在病人、同事面前是“小太阳”，是带来希望和光亮的人。但夜晚，在隔离病区的走廊里，待眼前的一切都安静下来的时候，我终于能面对我自己，才发现原来自己也有撑不住的时候。

大年初一，老万的哥哥来给老万送饺子。他哥哥一见到我就拉住我，说带了两份饺子来，一份给老万，一份给我。“您不用担心，这个肯定是干净的。”

When chatting with Old Wan,I would pay close attention to his feelings,and thereby judge his state of mind.I didn’t need his blind obedience or trust,just his cooperation.I taught Old Wan how to read his test results,and explained his CT images to him,“Look! The lesion is getting smaller.It means that we’re getting one step closer to beating the disease!”

I would also point out every nuance on the CT images to him.If he just did as I asked,and followed the treatments faithfully,his imagination wouldn’t run wild so easily,and this would alleviate some of his mental anguish.

As a matter of fact,the treatment of any contagious disease is largely dependent on the patient’s own immune system.Medication can only delay the growth of the viruses,rather than eliminating them.Therefore,the patient himself holds the key to his own recovery.For any patient in quarantine,the most important thing is to never lose hope.

Mutual support

One day,I found Old Wan in a horrible mood.When he saw me,it was like he has found his last straw of hope.“Could you do me a favor?” He said anxiously.

I asked him what the matter was,and he told me,“Since I’ve been diagnosed with the disease they’ve quarantined my dad too.But he’s over 80,and can’t take care of himself,and he’s also real stubborn.I’m at my wit’s end…”

Old Wan was worried because he heard that his father was so resistant to quarantine and refused to cooperate.

I tried to call the Center for Disease Control,and explained the situation to them.Doctors in the CDC took account of Old Wan’s situation,and promised that they would try to help him.The next day,Old Wan’s family was allowed to look after his father,and in the afternoon,the nucleic acid test they gave his father turned out to be negative,so he was allowed for home quarantine.

When I shared the good news with Old Wan,I could see a hopeful look play over the visible parts of his face,and tears began welling up in his eyes.Old Wan didn’t say a word,but shook my hand warmly.

That night,when my colleagues went to eat in the sterile area,and all the patients in the ward zone had fallen asleep,I was the lone doctor on duty in the isolation ward.Although it was just a routine task,I felt that onehour stint seemed the darkest time in my life.

During the day,my colleagues and patients regarded me as someone who could bring hope and light to them,just like “a little ray of sunshine.” But at night,when I was alone in the quiet hallway of the isolation ward,I would be confronted by the terrible truth that I wasn’t always as strong as I let on.

On the first day of the Chinese Lunar New Year,Old Wan’s elder brother brought dumplings to him.When he saw me,he grabbed my hands,and said that he brought two bowls of dumplings,and one of them was for me.“Don’t worry.It’s definitely clean,” he reassured me.

The problem was,I couldn’t accept it,as in the ward zone after all,there was a one-way flow for all items,and the goods for the patients came from restricted channels.Once being sent to the isolation ward,the goods had to be stopped there,and couldn’t proceed to the sterile area.

His brother then gave me New Year’s greetings instead,“Thank you for your hard work.I’ve heard from my brother that you’re a brave doctor.Please take good care of yourself.Today is the first day of the Lunar New Year.I’d like to wish you a happy New Year.”

Then he bowed down in front of me in a show of deep gratitude.

At that moment,I tried my best to hold back the tears.It suddenly dawned on me that doctors and patients actually supported each other.

I’ve always thought of myself as a soldier who couldn’t retreat or ever lose morale on the battlefield,but now I know that I’m just an ordinary doctor.After working around the clock for so many days in a row,when I received the New Year’s greetings from Old Wan’s brother,it made me miss my own family all the more,and so eager to call home and talk to my wife and kids.I just really needed to hear their sweet voices.

What I wanted to tell Old Wan and myself that night was: Don’t be afraid! There are many people standing behind us!

(FromTake a Breath at One Meter Away,Hunan Literature and Art Publishing House.Translation: Zhu Yaguang)

但是我确实不能吃他的饺子，因为我们的病区里，所有物品都是单向流动，病人的物品是从病源通道进来的，一旦进来只能刹住，不能再往清洁区走。

他哥哥转而给我拜年：“您辛苦了。我弟打电话都说了，我知道您很勇敢，但是您要保护好自己。今天是大年初一，我给您拜个年吧。”

说完给我深深鞠了一躬。

那一刻，我真的差点绷不住。我突然意识到，我们和病人之间其实是互相支撑的。

我一直把自己想象成战士，在战场上坚决不能退缩，不能有任何思想波动。但其实我也清楚，自己就是个穿着白大褂的普通人。没有昼夜、不知阴晴、连续不断地工作，听见老万哥哥那句话的时候，我特别想家，想往家打个电话。

我想告诉老万，也告诉那一晚的自己：别怕，有很多人跟我们在一起。

（摘自《呼吸在一米之外》湖南文艺出版社）