文/贾平凹 译/胡宗锋 罗宾·吉尔班克

一

爸爸，你说：你年轻的时候，狂热地寻找着爱情。可是，爸爸，你知道吗？就在你对着月光，绕着桃花树一遍一遍转着圈子，就在你跑进满是野花的田野里一次一次打着滚儿，你浑身沸腾着一股热流，那就是我；我也正在寻找着你呢！爸爸，你说：你和我妈妈结婚了，你是世上最幸福的人。可是，爸爸，你知道吗？就在你新喜之夜和妈妈合吃了闹房人吊的一颗枣儿，就在你蜜月的第一个黎明，窗台上的长明烛结了灯彩儿，那枣肉里的核儿，就是我，那光焰中的芯儿，就是我。——你从此就有了抗争的对头了！

I

Daddy, you said that when you were young, you sought after love madly. But, Daddy do you know? When you were circling around the peach tree in full blossom under the moonlight, when you were somersaulting in the fi elds full of wild fl owers, a kind of boiling stream was rushing around your body. That was me, and I was looking for you too.Daddy, you said that when you got married to my mother, you were the happiest man in the world. But Daddy, do you know? When you were sharing in the date that those teasing friends dangled over you on your wedding night;and on the fi rst daybreak of your honeymoon, as the everlasting candle on the windowsill burnt down into a knot—the core of the date was me, I was the wick of the lamp. From then on, you began to have a rival.

二

II

爸爸，你总是夸耀，说你是妈妈的保护人，而善良的妈妈把青春无私地送给了你。可是，爸爸，你知道吗？妈妈是怀了谁，才变得那么羞羞怯怯，似莲花不胜凉风的温柔；才变得绰绰雍雍，似中秋的明月丰丰盈盈？又是生了谁，才又渐渐褪去了脸上的一层粉粉的红晕，消失了一种迷迷丽丽的灵光水气？爸爸，你总是自负，说你是妈妈的占有者，而贤惠的妈妈一个心眼儿关怀你。可是，爸爸，你知道吗，当妈妈怀着我的时候，你敢轻轻撞我一下吗？妈妈偷偷地一个人发笑，是对着你吗？你能叫妈妈说清你第一次出牙，是先出上牙，还是先出下牙吗？你的人生第一声哭，她听见过吗？

Daddy, you’ve always boasted that you are my mother’s guardian. My kind mother offered her youth unself i shly to you. But Daddy, do you know? After the conception, who was it that made my mother become shy and made her as tender as a waterlily unable to bear the chafe of the cold wind, and who was it that caused her to grow plump and fullfigured like the Mid-autumn moon?After the birth, who was responsible for her pink face losing its glamour and her charming feminine brightness? Daddy,you’ve always been so self-conceited and claimed you were my mother’s occupier, yet it was my virtuous mother who lavished her concern upon you.But, Daddy do you know? When I was in my mother’s womb, dare you pound me gently? When my mother smiles alone secretly is it for you? Can my mother tell you when it was you started to teethe? Which of your teeth appeared first—was it an upper or a lower one?Did she heard the fi rst wail of your life?

三

III

爸爸，你总是对着镜子忧愁你的头发。你明白是谁偷了你的头发里的黑吗？你总是摸着自己的脸面焦虑你的皮肉。你明白是谁偷了你脸上的红吗？爸爸，那是我，是我。在妈妈面前，咱们一直是决斗者，我是输过，你是赢过，但是，最后你是彻底地输了的。所以，你嫉妒过我，从小就对我不耐心，常常打我。 爸爸，当你身子越来越弯，像一棵曲了的柳树，你明白是谁在你的腰上装了一张弓吗？当你的痰越来越多，每每咳起来一扯一送，你明白是谁在你的喉咙里装上了风箱吗？爸爸，那是我，是我。在妈妈的面前，咱们一直是决斗者，我是输过，你是赢过，但是，最后你是彻底地输了。所以，你讨好过我，曾把我架在你的脖子上，叫我宝宝。

Daddy, you’re always worrying about your white hairs before the mirror.Do you know who stole the darkness from them? You often stroke your face and worry about your complexion. Do you know who spirited away its red?Daddy, it was me, me. In front of my mother, we have been rivals. I lost and you won, but in the end you lost outright.So you envied me and was impatient towards me, often beating from when I was young. Daddy, when you fi gure became more and more stooped, like a bowing willow tree, do you know who put a kink in your waist? When your phlegm increases in volume and you wheeze incessantly, do you know who installed those bellows in your throat? Daddy, it was me, me. In front of my mother, we have been rivals. I lost and you won, but in the end you lost outright. So you fl attered me, let me scramble around your neck and called me “honey.”

四

IV

啊，爸爸，我深深地知道，没有你，就没有我，而有了我，我却是将来埋葬你的人。但是，爸爸，你不要悲伤，你不要忌恨，你要深深地理解：孩子是当母亲的一生最得意的财产，我是属于我的妈妈的，你不是也有过属于你的妈妈的过去吗？啊，爸爸，我深深地知道，有了我，我就要在将来埋葬了你。但是，爸爸，你不要悲伤，你不要忌恨，你要深深地相信，你曾经埋葬过你的爸爸，你没有忘记你是他的儿子，我怎么会从此就将你忘掉了呢？ □

Oh, Daddy, I fully understand that there would no me without you. But when I appeared, I would become the one who will bury you in the future.Even so, Daddy, don’t feel sad, don’t feel envy and hatred. This you should fully understand: the child is its mother’s proudest treasure. I belong to my mother.Didn’t you too once belong to yours? Oh,Daddy, I fully understand that when I appeared, it was as the one who would bury you in the future. Even so, Daddy, don’t feel sad, don’t feel envy and hatred. You should fully understand: once you buried your own father, you did not forget that you were his son. How ever can I forget you then? ■