by Carol Ayer翻译：寒星

Track 5

颜值高不如心地好

by Carol Ayer
翻译：寒星

Track 5

My seventh grade yearbook picture1）boasts a handwritten2）caption： “Always remember， this picture isn't nearly as nice as the person.” There is another yearbook boasting the same caption—under the photo of my friend， Trudy. We both sufered the3）humiliation of having a bad picture that year， and we each wrote the phrase under the other's photo.

Before age twelve， I was self-confdent， with high self-steem， and an interest in many and varied subjects. I dreamed of being a writer， and had already sent my work to a publisher. I knew I had the right to be in the world. I belonged. And it had nothing to do with how I looked.

But at age twelve， I started to care more about my appearance than my intelligence， my hobbies，my sense of humor， or my kind4）disposition. With that decision came the doubts. My stomach wasn't as fat as my friend Laura's. My smile was5）crooked. My hair was6）blah. Maybe I wasn't as wonderful as I'd believed myself to be. Maybe I didn't have the right to be walking around， looking the way I did.

As I moved on to high school and college， the doubts only7）multiplied. The pretty girls got everything—the boys， the attention， the school glory. They dressed up in lovely8）gowns to go to the junior9）prom and the senior ball while I stayed home. They were the cheerleaders and popular girls，the ones everyone else looked up to. What was I？ Yes， I got good grades， and yes， everyone said I was “nice.” But the rewards for those things weren't as obvious as what the pretty girls received， and thus didn't seem as worthy. If the rewards weren't as worthy， didn't that mean I wasn't as worthy？

2） caption ［'kæpʃən］ n.（图画等的）文字说明

3） humiliation ［hjuː,mIlI'eIʃən］ n. 羞辱，蒙耻

4） disposition ［,dIspə'zIʃən］ n. 性情，素质，脾气

6） blah ［blaː］ adj. 乏味的，平庸的

7） multiply ［'mʌltIplaI］ v. 增加

9） prom ［prɒm］ n. 正式舞会

10） ashamed ［ə'ʃeImd］ adj. 惭愧的，羞耻的

11） berate ［bI'reIt］ v. 痛骂，严斥

12） envy ［'envI］ v. 羡慕，嫉妒

14） readily ［'redIlI］ adv. 容易地，欣然地

15） yearn for 渴望

16） adoration ［,ædə'reIʃən］ n. 崇拜，爱慕

18） pitch ［pItʃ］ v.（棒球中）投球

19） major league 职业体育总会，尤指美国职业棒球大联盟

20） expert ［'ekspʒːt］ adj. 熟练的，内行的

21） disfgurement ［dIs'fIgəmənt］ n. 毁容，缺陷，畸形

22） superfcial ［,suːpə'fIʃəl］ adj. 表面的，肤浅的

23） be on to 意识到，找……岔子

24） suspect ［sə'spekt］ v. 觉得，以为，揣想

At one level， I knew appearance shouldn't be so important， and I didn't try all that hard to improve mine. But the pressure and desire were there. Every time I saw a picture of myself， I felt the same way I had in seventh grade—disgusted，10）ashamed，mad at myself. Why wasn't I prettier？ Why was I such a failure at looking attractive？ If a picture is worth a thousand words， each photo of myself was a biography about how worthless I was. I couldn't look at a single picture I was in without11）berating myself. I12）envied my friends who were prettier，with better figures， who were wonderfully13）photogenic. I longed for the compliments they so14）readily received. I15）yearned for the16）adoration and admiration.

At the same time， I knew I was being17）ridiculous. Why did I care so much？By adulthood， I'd accepted any number of things about myself. I would never swim in the Olympics. I would never18）pitch in the19）major leagues. So why couldn't I accept I would never be beautiful？

Besides， I didn't particularly value beauty in others. What I liked most about my friends wasn't their pleasing appearances. I loved Danielle's sense of humor， Jackie's20）expert cooking， and Hannah's enthusiasm for life.

I was perfectly healthy， with no21）disfgurements. I might not attract positive attention，but I didn't attract negative attention， either. In every other way， my life was extremely pleasant. Why did I care so much about such a22）superfcial aspect of my life？

I believe that life really is different for attractive people—maybe easier； perhaps，in certain circumstances， better. But in the end， does it really matter？ I don't think so. Maybe Trudy and I23）were on to something when we said the picture wasn't nearly as nice as the person. Maybe we24）suspected being nice was better.

And now I am convinced it is.

我的七年级学校年刊照片上有这样一句手写的话：“永远记住，真人远比这张照片要好。”还有一本年刊上也写着同样的话—在我的朋友特鲁迪的照片下面。那一年，我们都不得不忍受一张奇丑的年刊照片带来的羞辱，于是我们在彼此的照片下方写下了那句话。

在十二岁以前，我很自信、骄傲，对许多不同的科目都深感兴趣。我梦想成为一名作家，并且也已经向某个出版社送去了我的作品。我知道我会出人头地，我会占有一席之地。而这跟我的长相毫无干系。

然而到了十二岁时，我开始在意自己的外表更甚于我的智力、爱好、幽默感和我友善的性格。这个想法让我开始怀疑自己。我的小腹不如我的朋友劳拉的那样平坦，我笑起来嘴巴会歪，我的发型单调乏味。也许我并没有自己想象中的那般美好。也许我长成这样根本不该到处丢人现眼。

随着我上完高中再到上大学，这些疑虑有增无减。漂亮的女生要风得风、要雨得雨—男生的追求、关注的目光、学校的荣誉。她们穿着美丽的礼服去参加高二舞会和高中毕业舞会，而我则宅在家中。