文◎Mat Kyne | Translated by Yet 绘◎马豆子

你还记得那些你在年少时干过的荒唐事吗

What Is the Craziest Thing You Did as a Teenager

文◎Mat Kyne | Translated by Yet 绘◎马豆子

I spent an entire summer as a Ninja when I was 13.

Or to be more accurate， I spent my summer evenings as a Ninja when I was 13.

I made a black suit with a hood， gauntlets①gauntlet 英 ［'gɔːntlɪt］ 美 ［'gɔntlət］ n. 长手套；（古时士兵戴的）金属护手；夹道鞭笞的刑罚；交叉射击；严酷考验， tabby boots and all.

I carried around a homemade②homemade 英 ［'həʊm'meɪd］ 美 ［'hom'med］ adj. 自制的；国产的；像家里做的grappling③grapple 英 ［'græp（ə）l］ 美 ［'græpl］ vi. 抓住；格斗；抓斗机vt. 抓住；与……格斗n. 抓住；格斗hook that I used to scale buildings.

I would climb up on top of buildings， hop fences and run through people's back yards. I would practice hiding in plain sight.

My little brother took a picture of me one night before I went out.

That's me up there on the roof of our house. My brother was the only one who knew I did this. We shared a room.

Every night after the family went to bed I went out the window. My patrol④patrol 英 ［pə'trəʊl］ 美 ［pə'trol］ n. 巡逻；巡逻队；侦察队vt. 巡逻；巡查vi. 巡逻；巡查would probably cover 4-5 miles.

I would practice being invisible. I would hide in trees. I would hide in dark corners. I would hide just outside the pools of light created by street lamps. I would say that I was never seen， but I was caught on camera one time.

This was 1988， security cameras were hard to come by. I know I was caught on camera because it made the local news.

There was a 15 second blurb about a ninja⑤ninja 英 ［'nɪndʒə］ 美 ［'nɪndʒə］ n. （受过偷窃技术专门训练被雇作间谍或刺客的）日本武士；忍者running through a parking lot. The video was terrible； but there was about a 2 second clip of a blurry⑥blurry 英 ［'blɜːrɪ］ 美 ［'blɝi］ adj. 模糊的；污脏的；不清楚的-shadow running past a street light.

I just remember being on the couch with my mom， little brother and two little sisters when it came on the news. My brother could hardly contain himself； but to his credit he never said a word about it.

I continued my patrol. And in doing so， I think I might have prevented a crime too.

I was hiding out at a car wash when I overheard a man screaming at his girlfriend.

He was really angry. His girlfriend was sobbing uncontrollably⑦uncontrolled 英 ［ʌnkən'trəʊld］ 美 ［，ʌnkən'trold］adj. 不受控制的. I screamed from the shadows （in my best impression of an adult's voice；remember， I was only 13） “Hey！ Leave her alone！”They both stopped arguing to look around for the disembodied⑧disembody 英 ［dɪsɪm'bɒdɪ； dɪsem-］ 美［，dɪsɪm'bɑdi］ vt. 使脱离肉体（或躯壳）voice while I disappeared into the darkness. They got in the car and left.

I continued my patrols right up until the day before school started.

Years later the subject came up at a family party and where I admitted to being the Postal Ninja （video camera was at the Post Office），my mother exclaimed：

“I thought that was you！”

I asked： “How did you know it was me？”

“Who do you think washed your ninja suit？”

我13岁那年，当了一个暑假的忍者。

更准确地说，是暑假的每个晚上。

我自制了一整套夜行衣，包括头巾、护手、忍靴等。

我还随身携带了一只自制的抓钩，用以攀爬楼宇。

我会爬到各个楼顶，翻墙穿过别人的后花园，并练习隐身。

有一晚动身前，我弟给我拍了一张照片。

照片上的我站在我们家房顶。而我弟是唯一一个知道这件事的人，因为我们睡一间房。

每晚我都在家人睡下后从窗户溜出去，巡逻周边大概四五英里（6～8 千米）的范围。

我会练习隐身，试着藏在树上，躲在黑暗的角落里，乃至恰好匿在路灯的光区外。我敢说我从未被发现，但有一次被摄像头抓拍了下来。

那是 1998 年，安保摄像头还没普及开来。我之所以知道，是因为我上了头条。

那是一个仅 15 秒的短视频，里面一个忍者正在穿行停车场。视频的质量十分糟糕，但有大概 2 秒能看到一个模糊的身影闪过。

我只记得当时我和我弟，俩妹妹还有我妈一起坐在沙发上看着这条新闻播出。我弟笑不可遏，但囿于承诺他只好闭嘴。

如果我留有这视频就好了。

随后我继续巡逻，我认为这样做同时还能除暴安良。我有一次躲在一个洗车站外，偷听到一个男的向他女朋友大吼大叫。

他看起来十分生气，他的女朋友不停地抽泣。于是我在黑暗中吼了一句 （用我自认为最成熟的嗓音，要知道，我还只有13岁） “让她自己待一会儿，不行吗？”他们随即停止了争吵，试图找出这莫名其妙的声音来自何方，而我早就随风潜入夜了。他们只好开车走人。

我的巡逻一直持续到学校开学才结束。多年以后，这件事又在家庭聚会上被提了起来，我也承认了自己就是那个邮差忍者（摄像头当时被安在邮局）。我妈妈大喊：

“我就知道”

“你怎么知道？”

“你以为是谁帮你把忍服洗干净的？”