by Michael Wright 译/刘志良

英国人，法国人——历史上的种种纠葛积淀成他们之间剪不断理还乱的微妙关系。尽管如此，法国南部的阳光、美酒与美食还是吸引了一批批英国游客跨越英吉利海峡。他们一头扎进法国，渴望融入其中，却常常被当地人一眼看穿。入乡随俗说起来容易，做起来可远没有你想象得那么简单……

Last week， the local supermarket in Jolibois had sold out of both fresh milk and white wine. This can mean only one thing： Britons of a certain age were back in town. So， as another wave of les Anglais descends on France for a late-summer dose of cheap wine， steak frites and sunburn， I hereby proffer2） a few tips on how to tread lightly3） here， for the benefit of those among my fellow countrymen who would rather mingle with the natives than be shot as spies—I mean， spotted as étrangers4）. There are， after all， still a few people left who would rather appreciate and absorb the subtle nuances of a foreign culture， than blast them aside with the sheer force of their Englishness.

If you are wondering what on earth qualifies me to do this， you are absolutely right： even now， after nine years in rural France， I cannot walk down the street without being rumbled5） as an Anglais from 50 paces， long before I have opened my mouth. Undaunted， I am still doing my best to blend in.

Dress

In France， the quickest way to spot an Anglais is that hell be the one with the belly and the shirt hanging out. Indeed， the staple garment for Britons arriving at Limoges airport seems to be a shapeless black T-shirt， either baggy enough to disguise the space hopper6） beneath， or else confidently stretched across it， as if it were an orange in a sock. The modal7） garment for women of all ages， even the middle-aged who should know better， appears to be a saggy white T-shirt which dangles8） low enough to cover the bottom， and lots of jangly jewellery. The rural French are rather less casual in their approach to casual dress. T-shirts tend to have collars and be tucked in； shorts have buttons and zips rather than drawstrings9） and elastic； shoes dont look cheap. In England we used to call this look Smart Casual10）； these days， what with11） inflation and everything， we have bumped it up to Smart.

Shaking hands

I always try to be ready to shake hands with anything that moves. This takes some nerve， and can misfire but， on balance12）， people are more likely to consider the gesture charming than alarming， as they rack13） their brains to think where they have met you before.

Kissing

If you think you know someone well enough to kiss them， but arent quite sure， the secret is to lean forward almost imperceptibly14）， and see whether they reciprocate15） or remain glacially still. Britons are known for being a bit quick to kiss. A slap in the face means that， on balance， you probably should have shaken hands.

Lunch

Britons think of lunchtime as 1 pm， but for the French it is midday. This may explain the pained expressions and air being sucked through teeth if you arrive at a local restaurant at 1：30 pm. Most places dont have ranks of casual staff. Theres probably just le patron16） and his wife， doing all the cooking and serving between them. Once shown to your table， do your best to sit tight. Dont wave or snap your fingers， and try to forget that you once had a vocab book in which the French for waiter was “gar?on.” Brits tend to imagine that one must fight to be served； that its all about attracting the waiters attention more manfully than the poor chap at the table next door. But a basket of bread and a carafe17） of water will come， and the waiter will take your order according to the rhythm of the place. Have faith. Pushiness is the quickest route to being ignored.

Bars

Rural bars are largely deserted since the smoking ban. French lads dont go out drinking at night， and the French ladette18） has yet to be invented. The few French customers are the ones standing at the bar， sipping their demis. The Brits are the ones at the tables outside. They have all ordered une grande bière， because the standard-size version does not chime19） with their idea of what constitutes true manliness.

Bonne journée

The French equivalent of that much-derided20） Americanism： “Have a nice day.” It is invariably uttered by the supermarket checkout lady when she gives you your receipt and your vouchers21） for derisory22） reductions on products you spurn23）. Most Brits seem to let it go， but the French， without fail， say “merci” in response. I like to add “et vous aussi” for good measure24）， though this probably marks me out as a Martian.

Being invited to someones house

The rural French arrive on time， and turn their cars around before they park. Be warned， if you are late， that you may arrive to find that nobody else has been offered a drink because the host was waiting for you. This is so hideously embarrassing that sometimes I sit up in bed in the middle of the night， eyes wide open， drenched in sweat， as the horror comes back to me. By the same token25）， many guests make a habit of leaving at midnight on the dot26）， even if you are in the middle of a sentence.

Wine

Here in the Limousin at least， the locals drink only red； white wine is left for the Brits. There is still some ridiculous snobbery about buying wine from supermarkets， too. Thus， if you are giving a bottle of wine as a present， it is preferable if it has only a single label， to show that it has come directly from the vineyard， or else from a specialist wine-seller. An extra label on the back， describing how the wine is best served at 3°C to accompany pike27）， barn owl28） and smelly cheese， is a sure sign that you have been darkening the doors29） of the evil supermarket again. In extremis30）， steam the bloody thing off.

Cycling

If you wish to cycle in France， it is obligatory to do so in full Lycra31） with all the logos； shaved legs； gritted32） teeth； the works33）. Sideburns34） help， obviously. Many cyclists dont wear helmets， but there is a sensible law which obliges motorists to leave at least a metre of space when overtaking a cyclist in towns， and a metre-and-a-half in the countryside. As it happens35）， this rule also applies if youre overtaking a cart drawn by oxen， a mounted horseman， or a cat which happens to be going for a stroll. Where the law is not clear is how much space you must leave if you are a cat driving an ox-cart that is overtaking a car.

上周，若利布瓦镇当地超市的鲜牛奶和白葡萄酒都售罄了。这只能说明一件事：一群韶华不再的英国人又来到了镇上。那么，鉴于又一波英国人空降法国，来享受夏末物美价廉的葡萄酒、牛排加薯条和阳光，我特此提出关于在这里如何谨言慎行的几点建议。这全是为了我的一些英国同胞考虑，他们更愿意与当地人打成一片，而不是被当作间谍处决——我是说被发现是外国人。毕竟还是有一些人愿意欣赏并吸纳外国文化的微妙之处，而不是用他们英国气息的强大力量将其荡平。

如果你纳闷我究竟有什么资格来提建议，那么你的质疑完全合理：虽然我在法国乡村已经待了九年，但如今的我走在大街上，还没等开口说话，别人就能从50步开外的地方认出我是个英国人。不过我毫不气馁，仍在尽最大的努力融入法国。

着装

在法国，辨别英国人最快捷的方式是看看谁的肚子和衬衫会鼓起来。的确，抵达利摩日机场的英国人基本都穿着没型的黑色T恤。T恤要么很宽松，能够遮住下面充气弹球一样的肚子；要么很自信地绷在肚子上面，让肚子看上去就像装在短袜中的一个橘子。