琳达·博斯特伦·克瑙斯高 冯环

I have a wish. Its an exceptional wish. But I want you2 to listen.

I want you to give me what Im asking you for. Sit down. Youve come because I called for you. Im grateful for that.

Im having trouble with my faith. Im scared all the time. Im scared now. Can you tell？ Ill say this3 briefly. I want you to promise me that theyll live. The children. My husband.4 I want them to live. Nothing must happen to them.

You know what Im talking about. It has to stop.5 I cant protect them anymore. I cant stay awake like this. I need to lay my head down， heavily， the way I could if I knew there would be a new day tomorrow.6 The morning has to be7 clear and bright. The light stirring their little bodies from sleep. You must take away the darkness forever.

Its not an easy thing to do. But its in your power.

Let me tell you about the children. Let me describe them to you， so you can see them. So you know who they are inside. You wouldnt want to harm them if you knew them like I do.

There they are. There we all are， together. At the table in the kitchen. See how they struggle. Theyre so small and already they struggle. See the darkness over them. They feel it. But they dont know what it is. Thats our eldest daughter beside me. Can you see her thin arms in her nightdress8？ The way she holds the buttered bread in her hand？

Her sisters sitting opposite. Shes drinking milk from her sippy cup9. Her movements are filled with her very own joy. Often， she skips when she walks or runs. Her strong little body is bursting with energy. My husband is sitting next to her. Hes reading the newspaper. Drinking his coffee. Our youngest is just a year old. Hes eating porridge with his fingers. His pajamas are covered in it. Porridge， milk， and jam.

You must leave us alone. You dont need us the way we need each other.

Ill tell you their names. Malin is the eldest， then comes Anna and then Johannes. They look like each other. Can you see？ I pour the cocoa10 into their cups. I want to warm them from inside. Its raining outside. Were scared in different ways. Malin pulls at her nightdress， sucks on the sleeve until its rumpled and wet. She has night terrors. Thats what its called when you wake up screaming in the night. Theres no comforting her. Her body turns stiff with fear. Her eyes stare， but she isnt really awake. She wants me to lie beside her all through the night. I have to be next to the wall and she by the edge. Next to the wall is dangerous， she says. I tell her it isnt. Yes， it is， Mummy， she says. Its dangerous， Mummy. Dont you know？

Shes only four years old. Everything shows in her face. When she plays， its like she isnt doing what shes doing. She isnt drawing when she sits at the table with her crayons and paper. Shes playing at drawing. When her crayon11 draws a line， shes pretending that shes someone drawing. She plays at being a little girl drawing a sun， a boat， a snail. Shes always a step removed from the things she does. As if there were no way in for her. As if the world were closed and she were left outside. We all feel like that. We cant find our way in to the things we do. Only in our feelings for each other do we stand in the middle with our arms around each other.12

Can you see how straight she sits？ The forward curve13 of her shoulders？ Shes asking me a question with her eyes and I cant answer. Do you understand how that feels？

Anna is sturdier. Theres no better word. Shes in charge of herself. Youd have your work cut out with her.14 But dont try anything. Her happiness is her own. Everything shes done， shes done by herself. She instills joy in everyone she meets. Her laughter goes straight to the best in people. In everyone. Thats the way she is. I wonder if she feels like a stranger here.

Johannes is so small. His little body rolling about in the bed. Perhaps things are easiest for him. You know my husband， of course. You know all about him. His ambitions and his extraordinary will. The way he can persevere. He resists you in a way you never thought possible. Is he the hardest for you to abandon？15

Look at each one of us in turn. All five of us around the table. Soon， the girls will slip from their chairs. They never linger at the table. They want to watch a movie. They sprawl on big cushions and watch the same movies again and again. They look at life and the families they see on TV. The way they hike in the woods， shake their mats， scrub their floors， swim in the lakes. It looks like life， but ours isnt like that.

I dont know if it can be changed. But Im going to try. With all my strength， Ill try. Youre not coming back here. Youre leaving us now， because Im telling you to. This is goodbye. Dont ever forget.16

我有個愿望。那是个不同寻常的愿望。但我想让你听听。

我想让你赐给我我在向你祈求的东西。坐下吧。我喊你来，你就来了。我对此是感激的。

我的信仰正在动摇。我一直在害怕。我此刻就很害怕。你能看出来吗？我简单说说我的愿望。我想让你向我许诺他们都会活下去。孩子们。我的丈夫。我想让他们都活着。他们绝不能有事。

你是听得懂我在说什么的。那可要住手了。我无法再保护他们了。我无法像现在这样保持清醒了。我需将头埋下，沉沉地——假如我心里知道明日将有新的一天到来，我就能这样做。那个早晨得是清澈明朗的。阳光将把他们小小的身子从睡梦中搅醒。你必须永远地带走黑暗。

这不是一件容易做的事。但这是你能力所及的。

让我跟你讲讲孩子们吧。让我向你描述一下他们吧，这样你就可以看到他们了。由此你也就能了解他们的内在了。你要是像我一样了解他们，就不会想去伤害他们了。

他们在那儿。我们全都在那儿，正聚在一起。就坐在厨房里的餐桌旁。看看他们是怎样挣扎的吧。他们的个子还那样小，但他们已经在挣扎了。看看那笼罩着他们的黑暗吧。他们感觉到了。但他们还不知道那是什么。在我旁边的是我的大女儿。你能看清她睡袍下那两只瘦小的胳膊吗？还有她手里攥着黄油面包的样子？

她的妹妹坐在对面。在用一只儿童吸水杯喝牛奶。她的动作满是她特有的那种高兴劲儿。她在走或跑的时候常一蹦一跳的。她强壮的小小身体里充满了活力。我丈夫坐在她旁边看报纸，喝咖啡。而我们最小的孩子才刚一岁大。他在用手指掏粥吃。他的睡衣沾满了粥——除了粥，还有牛奶和果酱。

你不要来打扰我们。我们需要彼此，而你并不需要我们。

我要告诉你他们的名字。玛琳是老大，然后是安娜，再然后是约翰内斯。他们彼此样貌相像。你能看到吗？我把热可可倒进了他们的杯子里。我想让他们从里到外暖和起来。外面正下着雨。我们表现害怕的方式各不相同。马林扯着她的睡袍，吮吸袖子，弄得那袖子又皱又湿。她患有夜惊症。就是那种夜里惊叫着醒来的症状。实在是没法儿安慰她的。她的身体会因恐惧而变得僵硬。她的眼睛虽瞪着，但她并未真正醒过来。她想让我整夜都躺在她身边。我得靠着墙睡，而她则要挨着床边睡。她说，靠着墙很危险。我告诉她并不危险。不，不是的，妈妈，她又说。是危险的，妈妈。你不知道吗？

她才四岁大。样样事情都写在脸上。她在玩耍的时候，就仿佛她并没有投入其中。她虽然拿了蜡笔和纸坐在桌旁，可并没有在画画。她只是装着在画画。而当她手中的蜡笔画出一条线时，她是在装作一个正在画画的人。她在扮演一个画太陽、小船、蜗牛的小女孩。她总是离自己所做的事有一步之遥。似乎没有入口可以让她走进去。就好像世界关闭了，她被留在了外面。我们都有这种感觉。我们都找不到进入自己所做之事的入口。只有在我们彼此关爱这件事上，我们才身处其中，用双臂环抱着彼此。

她坐得多直，肩膀向前探着，你能看到吗？她正在用眼睛问我一个问题，而我却答不上来。你理解那种感受吗？

安娜就要皮实些了。没有比这更好的词了。她能照管好自己。你要带走她可不容易。但还是不要试着这样做了。她的快乐都是她自己的。她所做的一切，都是靠她自己。她把欢乐灌注给了她所遇见的每一个人。她的笑声直达人们的内心深处。进入每个人心里。她就是这样子的。我疑心她会觉得自己在这里像个陌生人。

约翰内斯则太小了。他的小小身子在床上滚来滚去。也许世事对他来说是最容易的。当然，你认识我丈夫。你对他了如指掌。他的雄心和他非凡的意志。他那不屈不挠的样子。他在以一种你认为绝不可能的方式反抗你。他是你最难以抛下的人吗？

依次看看我们每个人吧。我们五人围坐在桌旁。很快，女孩们就会从椅子上溜下来。她们从不在桌旁逗留。她们想去看电影。她们摊开手脚靠坐在大软垫上，一遍又一遍地看同样的电影。她们看着电视里的生活和家庭。看那些人如何在林中远足，如何抖垫子、擦地板，如何在湖里游泳。那看起来才像是生活，但我们的生活却不是那样。

我不知道这是否可以改变。但我要试一试。尽我全力，我将一试。你就不要再回这里来了。你现在就离开我们吧，我都在喊你离开了。这可是道别。永远不要忘了。                                                     □

（译者为“《英语世界》杯”翻译大赛获奖者;单位：中铁科研院）

1瑞典作家、诗人。她曾患过严重的躁郁症，试图自杀，并被送入精神病院，这篇文章可能取材于上述经历。原文是用瑞典语写的，后被人翻译成英语。

2这篇小说充满“呓语”，you可能是指“死神”或“命运之神”之类的神灵。

3 this应该是指“愿望”而非“恐惧”。

4因为是“呓语”，所以原文句子很短，译文也按原文采用句号，后文中类似情况不再作注。

5可能是想让神灵住手，不要伤害她的家人。

6可能是她想安然死去，而之所以安然，是因为知道家人都将见到明日的到来，即不会一同死去。

7她在向神灵提要求，是很强硬的愿望诉求，所以用的是has to be，和后面的must也是对应的。

8用“睡袍”和“睡衣”来区分文中的nightdress和pajamas。

9婴幼儿用的带吸嘴的杯子。

10用可可粉做的热饮。

11前面用的是复数，表示她桌上蜡笔不止一支，而这里用单数则指她手里拿的那支。

12是指他们只有在彼此关爱这件事上，才能找到“入口”走进去。

13 curve指曲线，这里加forward，可能表示她在问问题时，肩膀向前一倾，探着身子。

14 have your work cut out面临艰巨的任务。这里是说安娜比玛琳身体强壮些，文中提到的“死神”或“命运之神”要带走安娜并不容易。

15可能是说神灵想将他带离人间，但他却意志坚强，奋力反抗，使神灵未能如愿。所以神灵才抛不下他，想缠着他，将他带走。

16她似乎又有了活下去的信念，她想去改变目前的生活，带给孩子们更好的生活。所以，在末尾她要喊神灵离开，并让神灵永远不要忘记这是道别，以后不许再来。