有人喜爱“汪星人”，因为它总是忠心耿耿地陪伴主人，无论发生什么，都那么“蠢呆萌”和“傻白甜”。有人喜爱“喵星人”，因为既着迷于它优雅的身姿，又无法抗拒它孑然一身的“高冷范儿”。也有人两者都爱，于是毫不顾忌地将它们养在一起，自以为一喵一汪能和平共处。可是，你真的知道它们的小脑袋瓜里都在想些什么吗？或许那只狗狗早就对猫忍无可忍，有话想说了呢？

Dear Lovely Lady Food Dispenser1），

I love you， especially when you feed me. What I dont love， however， is the cat. He is not of sane mind.

I have brought this to your attention before， but I ask again， have you ever wondered whats wrong with the cat？ I dont mean why he doesnt chase balls or have any friends. I mean why he is content to lie around for hours （lazy？） staring into space （psychopath？）. You have to wonder if there is any brain activity happening in his furry little head.

And another thing， why does he take so damned long to eat his food？ OMFG. That tiny bowl of stuff would take me a few seconds to scarf down2） but he chews delicately on each individual kibble3） until I think I am going to go insane. He licks at the wet stuff like hes licking an ice cream cone （not the way Id eat an ice cream cone， for sure）. Good for him you put it up high on the kitchen counter.

But this is the scary part： Hes homicidal4）.

Hes Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde5）. He acts all tame and stupid in the daytime but after you go to bed， he becomes a killer. A serial killer！

I have seen him stalk6） a little rodent7） in the dark with his feline night vision and kill it with such sick enjoyment that he drags the murder out as long as he can. For as long as the poor victim can draw another breath. This is， for lack of a better term， sick shit.

What Im trying to convey is that he is not the sweet， lazy， cuddle-buddy you think he is. He is a narcissist （among other things）.

Has it ever occurred to you why he comes over and lies on your keyboard when you are using your computer？ Has it ever occurred to you why he refuses to pay any attention to you at times when you lean in for a kiss？

Ill tell you why. Hes also a control freak. He has fantasies of world domination. We are all in serious danger. We should run for our lives.

Or， better yet， why dont we free him from his unnatural caged existence within the confines of this home （which has clearly caused his feline dementia） and LET HIM GO OUTSIDE？

Why didnt I think of that before？ Let the little killer out to find as many rodents as he can eat？ Make him a free-range8） cat！ Hed love it.

And then maybe I could spend the night on the couch like I used to without having to worry about the evil cat killing me in my sleep. And you can give me that wet food in those little tiny cans.

Think about it. Sound like a plan？

Just leave the door open.

I love you， food lady！

Your Loving and Loyal Canine Companion，

The Dog

亲爱的可爱的喂食官女士：

我爱你，你喂我的时候我更爱你。可人家不爱的是那只喵星人。他脑子就不正常。

以前我就提醒过你要注意这一点，但现在我要再次问你这个问题，你是否也曾纳闷儿那喵星人究竟有什么毛病？我不是指他为什么不喜欢追球球，或者为什么没有任何朋友。我是指他为什么喜欢一连几个小时躺在那里（是因为懒吗？），眼睛直勾勾地盯着空无一物的地方（这不是神经病吗？）。你一定想知道他那毛茸茸的小脑袋里究竟有没有大脑活动。

还有，他吃东西为什么要花那么那么长的时间？额滴神呀！那么小小的一碗东西，我几秒就吃完了，可他却要细细咀嚼每一粒碎屑，直到我觉得自己都要发疯了。他舔舐那些汤汤水水的东西就跟舔圆筒冰淇淋似的（当然，这可不是我吃圆筒冰淇淋的风格）。幸好你把冰淇淋放在了高高的橱柜上。

但最最可怕的是：他有杀戮倾向。

他有双重“喵格”，就像哲基尔医生一到夜晚就变成邪恶的海德博士一样。白天，他总是一副乖乖的、呆呆的样子，但你上床之后，他就变成了杀手。一个连环杀手！

我曾见过他在黑暗中，用喵星人那特有的夜视眼，悄悄地猎捕一只小老鼠，并以一种变态的乐趣实施杀戮：他会尽可能地拖长残杀时间，直到那可怜的家伙断气为止。真是个变态狂魔——请恕我找不到一个更好的词。

我想说的是：他根本不是你心目中那个可爱的、慵懒的、可以抱在怀里任你爱抚的喵星人。他是个自恋狂（当然还有其他毛病）。

你可曾想过，他为什么在你用电脑时跑过来躺在你的键盘上？你可曾想过，有时候，当你凑过去想要亲他时，他为什么对你不理不睬？

我告诉你为什么。因为他也是个控制狂。他幻想主宰整个世界。我们真的都非常危险。我们应该快点逃命。

或许我们还有更好的办法？我们为什么不把他从这个家的束缚中解脱出去，让他摆脱这种违背自然的牢笼般的生活（显然这种生活已经导致他患上了喵星人痴呆症），让他到外面去呢？

这主意我以前怎么没有想到呢？把这个小杀手放出去，让他想吃多少老鼠就捉多少。让他做一只自由自在的喵星人！他一定会喜欢的。

这样的话，或许我就可以像过去一样，在沙发上踏踏实实地睡觉，而不必担心那只邪恶的喵星人在睡梦中把我杀死。而你就把那些小罐罐里带汤汁的食品都给我好了。

好好想想。这是不是个好主意？

只需把门敞开即可。

我爱你，喂食官女士。

爱你的、忠实的汪汪好伙伴

汪星人