丁兰

Only Child

“Mom, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.”

“Thats nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?”

“She just said, ‘Thank goodness!”

“妈妈，今天老师问我，我还有没有兄弟姐妹会来这所学校上学。”

“你的老师人真好，那你告诉她你是独生子了吧，她后来怎么说的？”

“她说‘谢天谢地！。”

Violin Practice

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harolds violin reached his ears, he began to howl1 loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed2 his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, “For Petes sake, cant you play something the dog doesnt know?!”

小哈罗德正在客厅练习小提琴，他的爸爸在书房读书。他们家的狗也在书房卧着，每当小哈罗德拉出刺耳的琴声，这只狗就开始大声地跟着吼叫。

狗叫和小提琴的声音已经让爸爸无法忍受了，他突然跳起，把书往地上一摔，用压过那些噪音的嗓门大叫着：“看在上帝的份上，你能不能拉一些这狗不会唱的曲子？！”

Lion

“I came face to face with a lion once. To make matters worse, I was alone and weaponless ...”

“Goodness! What did you do?”

“What could I do? First I tried looking straight into his eyeballs, but he kept crawling up3 on me. Then I thought of plunging my arm down his throat, grabbing4 him by the tail and turning him inside out, but I decided it would be too dangerous. Yet, he kept creeping up5 on me; I had to think fast...”

“How did you get away?”

“I just left him and passed on to the other cages.”

“我曾经和狮子面对面对立过！更糟糕的是，我当时是独自一人，并且没有任何武器。”

“天呐！那你当时怎么做的呢？”

“我还能怎么做？首先，我试图直视它的眼睛，可他还一直朝我走来。后来我想着要一手伸进它的喉咙，抓住它的尾巴，然后把它彻底翻过来！可是我决定不这么做，因为太危险了。然而它还在继续向我走过来，我必须快速运转我的大脑……”

“那你后来怎么逃脱的？”

“后来我就离开了它的笼子，去看其它动物了。”

Feeding the Pigeons

A 75-year-old woman liked sitting in the park feeding the pigeons6.

One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch7 by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

Then suddenly a man in his early 40s rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

She replied in crazed anger and without hesitation, “I cant throw that far!”

一位75岁的老奶奶喜欢坐在公园里喂鸽子。

一天她带了一整块新鲜面包来喂她每天的同伴。捏一块，喂一块，她不亦乐乎地喂着这些鸽子。

突然一个四十出头的男子过来告诉她，她不应该拿好好的食物去喂鸽子，因为它们在哪都能随便找到食物，可是在非洲还有很多人正在挨饿。这话让老奶奶非常扫兴。

她毫不犹豫地极为愤怒地回答道：“我扔不了非洲那么远！”

Second Try

The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with a potential customer said, “Who is the ugly lady over there?”

The man replied angrily, “Why, thats my wife!”

Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, “No, not her, the other one!”

The man became more angry, “Thats my daughter!”

一个保险推销员试着和一个潜在顾客搭话，问道：“你看那边那个丑女人是谁啊？”

那个人生气地说道：“怎么能这样说？她是我老婆！”

推销员试着化解尴尬，马上改口说：“我不是说她，我是说旁边的那个！”

“那是我女儿！”他更生气地说道。

[1] howl v. 吼叫；狂吠 [2] slam v. 使劲仍 [3] crawl up 爬行

[4] grab v. 攫取 [5] creep up 慢慢爬来 [6] pigeon n. 鸽子

[7] pinch v. 捏；n. 少量